Sophie Eleanor McEvoy
by Bananna18
Summary: In NM, Jake wasn't there. Bella gets an eating disorder. When the Cullens return, how can they help her when they don't eat. ED, Anorexia, Bulimia. LAST CHAPTER: What does it take to say she’s dying. TRANSLATED into spanish by Mommy'sRag Doll, same title.
1. Preface

A/N: In my last story I used a different song for (almost) every chapter, in this one each chapter is a line from Eleanor McEvoy's "Sophie" with other songs and quotes added to break up the longer chapters. I wanted to do this story with either Alice or Leah because I like them both better, but I didn't want this to be one of those "all-human" stories because the reason _I _like twilight is the mythical creatures...

Set during New Moon, after Edward comes back. Before I start I'd just like to say the Bella will display tendencies of both Bulimia but also Anorexia, sometimes referred to as Bulimirexia but more properly referred to as ED-NOS (Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified).

I'm not endorsing Eating Disorders or condemning them, people are free to believe in what they want to believe in as long as they aren't hurting other people.

**Summary: In New Moon, instead of finding Jake, Bella found an eating disorder and Jake went off with the Pack and became an Alpha.**

_I have also written a one shot that fits along side this story about what happened to Jake. _**  
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	2. Sophie cannot finish her dinner

**A/N: I've added the second half of this chapter onto the end of the chapter so if you've read the beginning before, keep reading.**

"**Sophie cannot finish her dinner, says she's eaten enough." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.**

"**I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful, the day I chose not to eat." Courage: Superchick. **

**Bella POV**

I wake up to the incessant buzzing of my alarm clock. I reach out my bony arm and attempt to swipe the alarm clock in a vain attempt to put an end to the annoying noise. I succeed only in swiping it off the bedside table, causing it to fall onto the floor. My only saving grace is the batteries that drop out the second the alarm hits the floor. I groan and roll over on my others side, shifting uncomfortably on the mattress that no longer supports my bony body. It's uncomfortable no matter how I lie.

I decide reluctantly to get up. I ease myself up into a sitting position, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. The blood instantly drains from my head and rushes to my feet. I'm used to this by now, the low blood pressure. Sometimes, after sleeping my pulse drops as low at fifty beats per minute. I know that this habit I've [picked up, this obsession is unhealthy, dangerous. And yet I keep doing it. As if in some attempt to defy his final wish to keep me safe, in a vain attempt to make myself prettier, _thinner,_ so that should he return maybe he would look at me a realise he loved me all along.

Who am I kidding? He never loved me, he never will. He never felt that way about me, he just felt some overwhelming need to save me, he just kept happening to be in the right place to save me. He probably just wanted to stop the bloodshed, afraid that the lure of my blood would set Jasper off and ruin their precious well-kept secret.

The dizziness and nausea eases and I make my way tiredly across my bedroom and manage to slip quietly into the bathroom next door without waking Charlie. I wonder what Charlie would think about the curious little habits I've picked up. Would he be shocked? Or disappointed. Would he be surprised? Truth is I just don't care what he thinks, what anyone thinks. Not anymore, not without Edward. Without him nothing matters. It just all seems so pointless.

I stand in front of the mirror and begin my daily ritual. I strip of all my clothes and turn on the shower. Let him think I'm showering. Deception is the best defence. I stand naked in front of a small mirror that only allows me to see a small fraction of my body. I spend ages just staring at my body, comparing it to yesterday. Am I thinner? Fatter? Have I magically put on a tonne of weight overnight? After inspecting my body and deciding that every part of my anatomy is oversized I step onto the scales.

I look in the mirror as I do this and I can make out the outline of the bottom three ribs on both sides. There are two small dips either side stomach between my hip-bones despite the fact my stomach isn't flat, let alone concave. My collarbones are unnaturally sharp and my boobs have almost disappeared. I take in a good look at myself. My hair has lost its shine and my eyes have lost their sparkle. All this because of Edward? No, this was all my fault, a long time coming. Its better this happened now he's gone. I won't be happy with bones and flesh. Only bones. I won't be happy until I can see all my ribs, until I'm thin, until I'm beautiful. Like Alice, Like Rosalie. High standards that demand a high price.

I step in the shower to let the warm water gush over my body and sooth my pains. Instead the razor sharp needles stab away at my skin, painfully. As I begin to wash myself I'm struck by a wave of dizziness and I slip, banging my elbow against the edge of the shower. I can hear my dad roll out of bed and come to the door.

"Bells, are you OK?" he asks anxiously.

"Yeah Dad, I'm fine, just slipped." I reply. He chuckles.

"Seriously Bells, you're going to be the death of both of us." I can hear the sound of his footsteps as he walks away and the soft thumping on the carpet as he descends the stairs. _Got away with that one. _I think to myself. _Did I really? Or am I just making a mess?_ Does Charlie believe my lies? _I didn't pass out I slipped, I ate before you got home, I'm just tired. I'm fine. _The last one's the biggest lie of the lot. I've said it so many times, to so many people. If you look around you find yourself surrounded by people spewing out that useless word. _I'm fine._ No one means it. It's lost all meaning to me. It never means what you claim it to be.

I rest my head against my knees and concentrate on taking deep breathes. Gradually the dots before my ears begin to fade out as colour comes back and the rushing in my ears eases. Carefully, so not to collapse again, I lift my head up and take another deep breath. My ribs press painfully against my skin, stretching against the translucent layer that just about covers my bones. _Would Edward love me? If he came back now? Would he come back if he could see how much more beautiful and thin I am now? No. I'm still ugly, I'm still fat. No wonder Edward left._

I pull myself up, taking deep breaths as the dizziness creeps back and then fades slightly. I switch off the shower and step out wrapping myself in a towel. I take another smaller towel and wrap my hair up and out of the way. Looking in the floor length mirror in front of me, I drop the towel and begin to inspect my body. It looks as if I've ballooned out even more since yesterday, if that were possible.

Wrapping myself up in the giant towel that covers my grotesque body I ease open the bathroom door and creep back in to my bedroom. I'm so glad Charlie never sees me like this. I rummage through my drawers and find an old pair of jeans and a large baggy hoody. I grab a plain t-shirt and slip on the clothes. They're loose on me and I have to keep tugging at my jeans to keep them up. This makes me smile. I grab my bag from the corner of my room, just inside the door and head down stairs, dropping my bag by the front door. I make my way into the kitchen and take out a glass from the cupboard. I poor myself a glass of water and gulp it back. The sudden jolt to my stomach, the sudden presence of _something_ other than air makes me feel a little sick. I resist the urge to be sick. I don't have time before school, and anyway, I didn't eat yesterday so it's not like there's even a point to it.

I wash out the glass and leave it in the draining board to dry. I grab my keys from the hook by the door and make my way to my truck. It's probably dangerous that I continue to drive, with my tendency to pass out. I don't care though, not enough. I continue driving. What would I say? _I don't eat and it makes me dizzy._ That would definitely not go down well.

"**She stares at the food, on her plate...and even though nobody's looking she's falling apart." She's Falling Apart: Lisa Loeb.**

Today was an awful day at school, truly, simply awful. Having to endure everybody. Jessica and Mike, Angela and Ben. Everybody. Paired up. And me, alone. The odd one out. As I pull up outside my house I spot Charlie's cruiser in the driveway. He's home earlier, it's weird. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and get out of the truck, walking towards the house. As I let myself in the aroma on pasta and Bolognese overwhelms my senses. I take a step back as the nausea consumes me. Please, no. Charlie...he never cooks, why now? As I walk towards the smell I see Charlie at the over, stirring away. He turns round and sees me and smiles.

_Please, no._

"Hey, Bells. I thought I'd cook us a meal, just the two of us." _When did he learn how to cook._

"Thanks dad but..." but what? _I ate before I came home?_ "...I'm going out with Jessica." _Awful lie._

His smile drops. "Bells, this isn't an option, I'm not stupid, I can see how thin you are." _Oh no, he doesn't know does he? _"And I know that I've left it up to you to cook your own meals because I work late, but Bells, if you need or want any help in the kitchen, if you have too much work to be cooking, I understand, just ask." _Phew, he just thinks I'm too busy...Too busy to eat? Charlie really is slow on the uptake. _I hear the rumours at school. An Eating Disorder. Drugs. Stress and Anxiety. How can Charlie not tell I'm sick, I look like somebody dug me up from a cemetery.

I sit down at the table, anxiety consuming me. How many miles will I have to run to burn off the calories. Will Charlie hear me being sick? Or could I do it will I'm out running. What if someone catches me? I'll risk it. I still don't want to eat it though, I can see how much he's made, there's enough to feed me and Charlie ten times over. Please, no don't make me eat.

He takes two plates from the cupboard and starts to serve up the simplistic meal. Bile rises in my throat. He's going to make me do this, he's going to make me eat this meal. All of it. If I eat this I won't be able to eat another thing for weeks. There's just so much food, I'll balloon out. Charlie places the plates on the table and sits down in his seat. I stand there frozen and he looks up at me expectantly.

"Bells, come on, I cooked. Eat." He bits the last word out almost forcefully. Charlie's not big on emotion. He likes to keep things bottled up like me. I can feel the anger in his words though. Charlie, always suspicious from being a cop all day and dealing with liars, knows when something's wrong. It's as if he can sense it after all these years, after all the lies. And yet he seems unable of discovering the truth behind my lies.

I sit down, carefully, slowly, at the table. My blood pressure's through the roof, which must be the first time since he left, since _this _started. Even with all everything I take I still only just manage to keep it hovering about normal. How am I supposed to eat? How can I eat with him watching, starting at me?

I look at him at he takes a bite of the food he's lovingly prepared himself.

"Bells...I want to talk." He says. Oh no. He knows. He _knows_. What is he going to do? Is he going to send me back to live with my mother? I can't leave Forks. Even without _him_ it's still home. I can't leave. My breathing quickens. _Please don't make me leave._

I wait, watching him apprehensively.

"About?" I ask, almost too afraid of the answer.

He glares at me. _Charlie._ Charlie who never shows his emotions. He slides back his chair and walks over to his coat which is laying thrown down in the corner. He reaches into a pocket and pulls out a strip of tablets. He throws them on to the table as I wait, horrified, for more.

"This! _This_ is what I want to talk about."

I swallow my fear back down as I look at the strip of pills. He found my caffeine tablets. _Caffeine._ That's what he's mad about. I almost laugh. If only he knew everything else I got up to. I'm quick to defend myself.

"But...they're just caffeine...to help me stay awake." I don't add that it's to stop me sleeping, to stop the nightmares of him leaving all over again, or that they also surpass my appetite so much I feel sick if I take them with a large glass of water. I don't mention that I take ten a day. Or that I spend the time not sleeping exercising instead.

His face softens. He's bought eat. He eat up my lies like a child for candy. I can't believe it. Is he really that gullible? He's surrounded by liars all day long.

"Oh." He says. "Well...in that case..." He doesn't care, his fears are squashed back down, left with just a niggling suspicion that I'm not OK like I say I am. But then again, if I really was OK he wouldn't feel the need to ask me.

He smiles at me and sits back down at the table. He quickly begins eating his dinner again. I stare at my plate, I still haven't taken a bite yet. My pristine fork, sitting there in my hand, sparkling in the light. Charlie looks back up at me.

"Aren't you hungry?" He asks, "Go on, have a bite, I made it myself." He smiles and watches me, I can see him waiting for me to take that first bite, to swallow back the vile fat filled food. He's going to make me eat it. No I can't. Not in front of him, not this, with so much fat, so many carbs, so many calories.

He just continues staring at me and I raise the fork and scoops up a small forkful of the sauce, Charlie continues watching me as I raise the fork to my mouth a quickly shove it inside my mouth, careful to resist the urge to vomit. Don't let Charlie see you like this, don't show weakness.

"What do you think?" He asks.

I smile weakly and force it down. "It's great."

He continues watching me and motions for me to have another bite.

I can't do this. I can't continue to shovel this rubbish down my throat; the thought of what it's doing to my body utterly repulses me. I can't do this. I won't do this. He continues watching me, waiting for me to take another bite. It's too late, I can feel the hysteria rising in my throat, bubbling, threatening to consume me.

I let out a strangled sob and throw down my fork.

As Charlie lets out a started gasp I push my chair back from the table. I let out a sob and run to the front door, pulling it open. I run through the door, and keep going as Charlie appears behind me. I take off running down the road and Charlie stops following. I turn back and I can see the pain on his face, the disappointment. And yet I keep running. I have to burn off the calories I ate; I have to throw it up. Anything just to get it out of my body, I'm too fat already.

"**Not yet a winner, I could be thinner, so I must go throw up dinner."**

I keep running, forward towards the forest, burn the calories, purge the rubbish from my body.

As I continue running I begin to make out the outline of the forest in the distance, a few hundred metres away. I keep running, terrified to stop, terrified that someone will see me. I don't stop until I reach the forest.

My body is rebelling. I can feel my stomach bubbling up, upset by the presence of substance where before only air had been. I haven't eaten for days. I haven't eaten a whole meal in months. The running hasn't helped either, it's just upset my stomach, causing it bubble and swirl around.

I bend over by a tree and let my body purge myself from the contents of my stomach. It's too much. It's too much. My stomach hurts and I continue vomiting. There's nothing left in my stomach. I haven't eaten anything. The only thing coming up is water. It shakes my body I lean against the tree.

Eventually I stop vomiting. There's nothing left to come up, not even water. I collapse exhausted by a neighbouring tree. I let the sobs rack my small, frail body. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't take it. I can't live without him, without being enough from him. I'll wait for dark and then I'll go back.

I lean my head back against the ageing tree. I'm so tired. Without the caffeine, which is rapidly fading from my body, the full effects of not sleeping are beginning to take effect. I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing. Stay calm. Don't get hysterical. It's all gone now. I know I should try and run some of the calories off, I know I should go home, I know at the very least I should try and keep my eyes open but I don't. I let the tiredness overwhelm me. It's been so long since I slept properly.

_He's there, again. Wearing the same clothes as before, wearing the same clothes as always. He's looking at me like I'm dirt, like I'm a bug on the floor. He's giving off this menacing vibe, a warning , a danger I've never felt before around him. _

_He looks at me and licks his lips. My heart flutters. Is he more attracted to my body or my blood? He begins to approach me and whispers those words. Again. I try to retreat but I can't stop from hearing them._

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."  
"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

_My heart crumbles into a thousand pieces again. _

_I look up and he's morphing, changing. His skin is becoming paler, his eyes darker, redder. Redder? My eyes dart to his mouth and I see his teeth. Sharp and pointy. Dangerous. I stare into his eyes and see a wicked glint. _

"_...I never wanted you. I was just thirsty." He lunges at me. _

_I feel a sharp pain in my neck. I stumble backwards. I look up at Edward and there's blood trickling down the side of his mouth. _

"_Sweet, innocent, delicious Bella. Did you think you could out run me." My heart freezes as he says those words. So much like James. _

_He lunges again and the pain intensifies. _

"_Bella." He moans, as he sucks on my neck, drawing more of my precious blood into his mouth._

"_Bella." _

_The world is fading and becoming more blurry. I scream, hoping someone will find me. I hear him call out my name again. I scream. Please, don't let me die here, not like this, not at the hands of the man I love._

_It's becoming more blurred. I can feel Edward holding me, shaking me. "Bella." That's not Edward's voice. Sam?_

I blink and open my eyes, Sam's shaking me.

"Sorry Bella, we we're trying to wake you up." He says.

I look around and there's the other Quileute boys standing behind him. Where am I? I look around. There are trees everywhere. And then I remember. The forest. Running, hiding.

Jacob steps forward, his arm linked around the waist of a bitchy looking girl.

"Charlie asked us to find you, he's worried." I blink back the tears.

Sam reaches out a hand and pulls me to my feet.

"I fine now." I say. "We had an argument; I'll walk myself home now." They're all staring at me with pitying expression.

"Are you sure." Sam questions.

"I'm fine on my own." I bite out sharply. The girl snots and Sam glares at hair.

"What." She asks. "Vamp-girl _says_ she's fine who are we to interfere, Charlie asked us to find her, we found her."

I turn to leave and don't stop even though I can hear them call after me. They don't follow. I keep walking. Time to face the music.


	3. Sophie’s trying to make herself thinner

A/N: Would people prefer I split up the large chapters into smaller chapters (bold non underlined title being a new chapter) or would people rather have fewer, longer chapters?

"**Sophie's trying to make herself thinner, says she's eaten too much." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.**

"**Feeling so easy, make me skin and bones."**

**Skin and Bones - Mariana's Trench.**

_A/N: I love this song. And this band._

It's dark now, a while since I left. Did I really sleep for that long? It was only just past dinner time when I left. The streets are dark, lit only by the glow of houses, no artificial street lights littering the night sky here. I wrap my arms around my frail body. How could everything go so wrong when it was all so perfect only a short time ago. I hold back the sobs that threaten to wrack my body. It's not the time. It's never the time. And I have to face Charlie. Sweet oblivious Charlie, who is starting to see though my lies. There are just too many of them now. Wrapping around me, forming a web and trapping me. Suffocating me.

The trees above my head shake their branches menacingly. Threatening me. Condemning me. Am I right to go home? Or should I run. Maybe hide out at the Cullen house for a while. No, I can't run. I can't do that to Charlie and besides I couldn't really stay at the Cullens. Too close to home. I can't go back there. It would hurt too much. I can't do that to myself, put myself through all that pain just to avoid Charlie. It's not like he knows, it's not like he even has a clue.

I keep walking up the road, my breathing becoming painful. The strain is too much for my fragile body. Especially after that run I attempted earlier. I keep walking even through the pain in my chest is gripping and squeezing. Uncomfortable.

I can make out the lights of our house now. My truck in the driveway. Is Charlie worried? What does he think? Does he know the truth? Has he guessed? No, of course not, Charlie is clueless. He suspects something is wrong, years of police training. But having never spent much time in bigger cities or even around teenage girls Charlie would never suspect the truth. Not in a million years.

I open the door. Even the chief of police doesn't lock his door. Was he waiting for me? Or did he just decide Forks was too quiet an area. No crime. I step inside and close the door quietly behind me. Bracing myself for Charlie. For his questions. For the accusations.

"Bella?" I hear Charlie call.

"Yeah it's me, dad." I whisper back. Resigned. I really don't want to face this but I guess I don't have a whole load of options here. It's not like I have anywhere to run to.

"Bells, we need to talk."

"Dad." I shake my head. "I'm fine, I just got a little upset. Can't we just leave things as they are?"

"Bells, I know something's wrong."

I need to form an escape plan, make excuses, come up with reasons, lies. Time. All I needed was time. Time to prepare, time to let him cool down.

"I'm going for a shower dad, can we talk about this in the morning?" I ask. I can't deal with this now.

"Sure." He whispers weakly. Excellent, he's already given in.

"**Hunger hurts but starving, it works."**

**Paper Bag: Fiona Apple.**

I walk into the bathroom and strip off all my clothes, stepping on to the bathroom scales. Ninety pounds. Wow. I was so pleased last week when I dropped below 100lbs. It made me very happy. I stumble as I step of the scales and stars appear before my eyes. I shake my head. It doesn't help. I feel so dizzy.

I'm cold and I begin to panic. What's wrong with me? I feel tired and I lean a hand against the wall to stable myself.

I try to stay awake but I feel so tired. It's as of standing itself has become too difficult a task for me anymore, as if my body is now too weak to carry out even the most basic of tasks.

My mind and body finally give out. It's all too much. Too much for my body to take. I feel cold and the world starts to fade, darkness creeping in, stars appearing before my eyes. I shake my head in an attempt to clear the stars but it only makes me dizzier. The stars become planets, merging, swirling. I fight to stay conscious but it's a battle I'm losing. I try to take a deep breath, hoping the oxygen will clear my head but suddenly I feel weightless.

Finally. I smile to myself, a feeling of satisfaction washing over me. My body crashes to the floor.

Alice POV

I miss Bella so much. I miss Edward. This whole mess has torn the family apart, we never even see Edward anymore. Or Bella. Ever since we left forks everything seems to be so dull, so miserable. I don't think I've seen anyone smile. Even Emmett. It's strange, in all the time I've known him he's always been smiling and laughing, never a sad. But now our family has been torn apart and we've lost the girl that was so precious, the only girl Edward ever loved in his hundred years.

Suddenly I get a vision.

_There's a small girl. So impossibly tiny, so impossibly thin. So pale. Long brown hair drips down her back. I can see her bones poking out, her shoulder blades almost piercing through her skin. Is this another vampire come to join us? She stumbles and I'm reminded of Bella, sweet vulnerable Bella and her clumsiness. Suddenly I realise where I recognise the room from, its Bella's house. My mind starts to worry as I begin to wonder who this is in Bella's house. I watch painfully as the girl crashes to the ground. Not a vampire. Human, a very ill human. Who? I see her face. Bella. What has she done to herself. I wait for her to get back up but she doesn't. Oh no, she's not dead? She can't die, we can't lose her and Edward. She's too young to die._

I snap awake. Jasper rushes to my side. He can feel my pain. It's hurting him too, my emotion threatening his own, this worry for someone or something unknown.

"It's Bella. She's in trouble, get Carlisle, we have to save her." I say. Already I'm up and moving, formulating a plan.

Carlisle, overhearing comes into the room from his study. He already has his medical bag in his hand, ready, at the first mention of clumsy Bella.

"Alice, what's wrong." He asks.

"It's Bella, she sick." Suddenly I'm interrupted by another visions. I'm confused. What could be more important than Bella unconscious on a floor.

_I'm not sure where I am but it's wet. Rain drips from the sky, reminding me of Forks. I look around and I'm surrounded by people dressed in black with sad expressions. Apprehension fills me. Don't let this be what I think it is. I turn around and it's Charlie. He's crying. Oh no, it is. I'm at Bella's funeral. I can't let her die, we have to save her._

I come back to the present and throw my arms around Jasper, who sends a wave of calm my way.

"Find the others; get them to meet us at Forks hospital."

I rush to the garage, quickly getting inside my Porsche. Carlisle already has the other door open and his medical bag.

"Bella?" he asks. I nod.

"She's ill. She's really ill. She's going to die."

_A/N: 96 lbs ( 40kg) may seem like not very much but that's how thin someone of her (5ft4) height needs to weigh to be classed anorexic. Which is incidentally a LOT less than me. Her perfect weight would be 125lbs (57kg). _

"**Craving is only a feeling."**

Charlie POV

What do I do about Bella? She's too thin. Even I can see that. What do I do? Should I send her back to Renee? Eopulf hrt mother handle this situation better, talk to her, woman to woman. Maybe I'm just not cut out for full time parenting, for handling the stress of a teenage girl. She doesn't want to go but maybe she'd be better with her mother. I sigh loudly and switch the channel. The weatherman appears on the screen, dressed in raincoat and holding an umbrella.

"Well folks, looks like tomorrow will again be a forecast of rain. Remember to wrap up warm and don't forget..."

He's interrupted by a knock at the door. Who could that be? Billy? I'm not expecting anyone. I make my way to the door as the knocking becomes more frantic. Who on earth is knocking at this time of night. They seem desperate. Anxious. What are they doing calling so late at night, its dark out. Most people should be in bed.

I open the door and I'm greeted by the sight on a very worried looking Alice and Carlisle. He has his doctor's bag. Did something happen to Bella? No, she's upstairs. What are they doing here?

"Where is she?" Alice demands. I can feel the panic coming off of her. Her normal bubbly self has disappeared and been replaced with a distressed teenager.

"What?..." Confusion fills my mind. Why are they here? Where is the boy?

A loud bang from the bathroom upstairs awakens me from my thoughts. I make to rush up the stairs but Carlisle and Alice are quicker than me. Inhumanly quick. They're already up the stairs before I can even blink. I run after them and they're down the hall already at the bathroom door, knocking.

Alice looks at Carlisle, a terrified expression on her face. What's wrong? Why have they come, how did they know something was up with Bella?

"It's too late, I can't hear a heartbeat." She says. Hear a heartbeat? Well of course she can't. People can't hear heartbeats.

They knock down the door, swinging it wide open. Bella's lying there, in the middle of the floor. Pale white, completely still. Panic and horror fills my veins. On no, please, not my Bella, not my little girl. Carlisle already at her side, his medical bag slung on the floor. He feels at her neck but I already know the answer. No pulse. She can't die, not Bella.

"Alice, start rescue breathes, I'll start compressions." They role her on her back and work impossibly fast. It's amazing to see how quickly the work. So fast I wonder if there's something wrong with me.

I stand there frozen, holding my breath, willing Bella to start breathing again. I can't let her die. Not because I let her get so sick without even realising.

They've finished their cycle and Carlisle's checking her pulse again. He looks at Alice and shakes his head. She leans over and gives her two more rescue breathes. Carlisle continues with the compressions. She can't die. Not like this. I can't let her die when we'd been fighting. Not when she'd been so upset. I can't leave it like this.

Carlisle checks her pulse again. He looks at Alice.

"It's there, but it's weak. We'll lose it again soon if we can't get her to the hospital in time."

Fear grips at my heart. I can't lose my baby girl.

"I'll call an ambulance." I say.

Carlisle shakes his head. "No time, I'll take her."

He lifts her up in his arms, effortlessly. Almost as if she weighs nothing at all. Looking at her frail wonder, maybe that's true. How did she get so thin without me even noticing?

"How did you know?" I ask. How did they know to be here, to save her life?

"Alice." He says. One word. I'm not sure if it's an answer of a command or even who it's directed to.

We're already at the bottom of the stairs, Alice has the key's in her hand. The door is already open.

"Get in the passenger seat." She commands. I do it instantly. Too worried to even question the young girl ordering me around. Alice is already in the driving seat, Carlisle supporting Bella's lifeless body in the back. Don't let her die.

It only seems like minutes have passed but were already at the hospital. I'm impressed with Alice's driving. Carlisle and Esme have raised them well.

Alice is already out of the car, Carlisle lifting Bella out of the car. Her limp body hanging in his arms like a rag doll. No muscle left in her body to support herself.

I follow them as the speed towards the entrance of the hospital. Doctors and nurses rush forward to help Carlisle. The doctor with abilities far surpassing their own, the man who cradles the lifeless child they all know he loves like a daughter. Everyone though they'd last forever. And they he just left. He did this to her. Does he feel guilty for hurting her? Does he even know?

He places Bella's body on a trolley as the rush towards the resuscitation room. Carlisle launches into doctor mode.

"18-year old female, found collapsed in home bathroom, no breaths, no pulse, CPR attempted, pulse regained, weak and thready."

They lift her onto the bed and begin attaching all sorts of wires.

"Get her intubated, we don't want to risk losing her again. And get her attached to a heart monitor." People are rushing around as I stand back, afraid of what might happen. Alice reaches out a hand.

"She's going to live." Alice says.

"You don't know that." I counter. I close my eyes. I can't lose her. I feel Alice reach out a hand.

"I do know that." She says. I believe her. I've never known her be wrong. She has this uncanny ability to be right when it comes to the future. I don't know how she does it.

Suddenly a beeping fills the room. I spin round. No don't die like this. Please don't die.

"Grab the paddles." Commands Carlisle. Authoritative. Calm. He shocks her and her whole body spasms. It hurts me to see her like this. Beeping echoes across the monitor.

"We've got her back." He steps back and grabs a canula and quickly inserts it into her arm. "Get an IV in her arm quick. She's severely dehydrated." How did she get this bad without me noticing. How could nobody notice? How could I not notice?

He grabs a banana bag from the nurse next to him and quickly hooks it up. "Get it flowing quickly; we can't wait eight hours to get that into her, and call Psych. she's suffered extreme weight loss, they'll need to talk to her when she wakes up."

_If she wakes up._

There's a bang behind me as the doors open. Alice quickly leaps into the arms of a scared looking boy, Jasper. He almost appears to be in pain. Emmett has lost his usual smile and even Rosalie appears concerned. Esme pulls me out of the room. The children following behind her.

"Let go wait in the waiting room." She says. "We're just getting in the way here." I can see her pain, she doesn't want to lose Bella, none of us do. She cares deeply for the girl that her son so cruelly deserted.

I find myself sitting down on a hard chair.

"Where is he?" I ask, anger seeping through. It's not her fault. Esme seems to have done a good job on her other kids.

"We don't know." Esme whispers quietly. "We couldn't get through to him."

We sit in silence. Jasper appears uncomfortable. I can't let Bella die like this.

The door opens and Carlisle walks in. Calm as always. The perfect pokerface.

"We have her attached to a lot of machines so try not to be alarmed when you see her. Her extreme weight loss has caused her heart to stop. She's still unconscious but we're hoping when she wakes up the IV will have done her some good. If she resists treatment we will section her and keep her under mild sedation until she is stable. She is very sick but we are doing all we can."

He stops and looks at us.

"Can we see her?" Alice whispers. He nods, and we get up to follow him.

_**A/N:**__ Fact time. "A banana bag is a bag of IV fluids containing vitamins and minerals. The bags typically contain thiamine, folic acid, and 3 grams of magnesium sulphate, and are usually used to replenish nutritional deficiencies or correct a chemical imbalance in the human body. They are extremely beneficial for the sick and dying because magnesium eases pain and helps detoxify the liver and kidneys (increasing medicine benefits and reducing adverse effects). The solution is typically infused over four to eight hours."_


	4. Her brother says you’re joking

**A/N: Quick question; shorter or longer chapters. They'll still be the same length in themselves but I'll split the quotes up as chapters in themselves, yes or no?**

**I have no beta because I have no friends on here (I don't even know how to add friends) so if you ****spot any mistakes**** tell me and I'll try to fix them.**

**If anyone knows how to add friends tell me. Also please comment on short or long chapters. They'll still be the same but I'll split them up.**

"**And her brother says, you're joking, And her mother's heart is broken, Sophie has a hard time coping." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.**

**Esme & Emmett.**

"**If you can name one reason to be fat, I'll name a million and one to be thin."**

**Emmett POV**

Why would Bella do this to herself? Why? To be like Rosalie? Alice? She was already thin, I don't understand how she could get this ill. How she could make _herself_ so sick. I swear, when I get a hold of Edward. For putting her through this. We all knew it was a bad idea. But we would have needed to move anyway. It was just easier to go along with him. What have we done?

When Jasper told us Bella was in hospital I just thought she'd fallen downstairs or something; that she'd get better. But she's really sick. She might not get better. Even with the doctors' help, even if she recovers, she'll still have to live with this, she'll still have the pressure, the worry, everyone around her always worried about a relapse.

When they said Bella had done this to herself I thought they were joking. Why would Bella do this to herself. It's just not like her. And why would anybody want to be that thin.

This must be some sort of joke.

I wonder what Rosalie thinks about all this. She was always so jealous of how Bella got to be human. Well Bella's human now. Mental illnesses and all. Illness, weight loss. Death. Bella's _so_ lucky to be human.

Poor Alice. Poor Jasper. This must be torturing them both. He feels like it's his fault and he feels all out pain. Alice is losing a best friend.

No. I mustn't think like this. She'll be okay. She'll live. She has too. And if not...Carlisle will turn her.

If there's enough time.

_Make a joke._ Lighten the mood.

I can't do it. Not with Bella so sick.

**Bella POV**

Everything hurts. There's a bright light above me that pierces through the thin protection of my eyelids. I want the light to go away, to leave me in the darkness. I can hear a beeping noise, quiet rustling. Where am I? I try to think back and the last place I can remember being was a home with Charlie. I went up to the bathroom and then what? I struggle to remember where I was and where I could possibly be now. I was in the bathroom.

I feel so tired. More tired than normal. More tired than not sleeping for three days. My limbs feel heavy.

The bright light above me is blinding me. It's scorching my eye balls. I squirm, attempting to get away from the bright light. I feel a pillow beneath my head and I try to bury myself in it. My arms are attached to something. It feels like string. Am I dead or dreaming? Why would my arms be attached to strings? I try to pull myself free from then strings tying my down, trying to escape from the blinding light.

"Bella?" A woman's voice. Who? Why are they in my bathroom? Or wherever I am. "No sweetie, don't move, you'll pull out the IVs."

Oh no. I have IVs. I hate needles. Please no, not needles in my arms. I want to rip them out. Why are there needles in my arms. I want to scratch them out but cold hands are suddenly wrapped around my arms. Very cold arms. _A vampire._ Who?

I open my eyes carefully, the bright light still blinding me. Esme? What is she doing here? Did she find me?

I blink. I'm confused. What's happening?

Esme smiles at me.

"Bella, you're sick. But the doctors are helping you now. " Oh no, the IV. They're feeding me. All those calories. Fattening me up like a pig going for auction. The hospital know what's wrong. They're doctors after all, they're not fooled by the _I ate before, I'm just tired_ lies that I tell. They'll make me eat. They'll make me be fat. And all the Cullens, all my family here to watch, here to see my downfall. Here to see me so ill and so fat. Oh no.

"No..." I whisper, afraid.

"Bella?"

"No, take it out. I don't want it." More decisive this time. Forceful.

"What?...Bella...we can't do that. If you refuse to let us help you...you don't have a choice."

"No. Take it out. Take it." I struggle against Esme's grasp. "Please..." I beg.

"Bella, can't you see how sick you are. How thin you are. It's gone too far, whatever you were trying to do."

"No, please. I'm not too thin, I need to be thinner. Please."

"Bella, why?"

"I want to be thin. It's all I want."

**Esme POV**

It breaks my heart to see Bella like this, to know that somehow it's our fault, for leaving her. She needed us and we just abandoned her. We created this mess. We destroyed the well-adjusted girl that Bella used to be. Why did we leave, we could all see she was far too involved in our family, far too in love with Edward to ever let this go.

I look down at her, still resisting against my grip, desperate to pull the IV and feeding tube out of her arms. What went wrong? She was fine when we were there. She was fine. How could it all go so wrong so quickly. We've only been gone a few months, just a few months. How could it all change in such a short amount of time? What went wrong?

"Bella, you can't. You're sick. You're going to _die._" I place emphasis on the last word. Maybe she doesn't realise.

"No."

"You're heart _stopped._ You _died._ If it wasn't for Carlisle we'd be at your funeral."

"I'm fine." She argues.

"You're attached to all kinds of machines to keep you _alive. _They only took out your _breathing tube _an hour ago.That's not fine._"_

I try to reason with her.

"Bella please, just do what the doctors what, do what Carlisle wants. For us."

"For _you_? You left me, when I needed you must. You all just ran away." She screams at me. I guess I deserve it.

I don't know what to do? How can I make her see sense. Oh no, we're going to have to sedate her, until she's better. What should I do, should I get Carlisle. I call out his name. A normal human would only be able to hear if they stood outside the room, but I know Carlisle will be able to hear me from his office.

He quickly arrives.

"Bella, how are you feeling?" Calm, efficient. He picks up heart chart and compares her vitals to earlier.

"Like somebody kidnapped me and stuck a loud of tubes in my arms. Get them out. Now."

Wow. She certainly is bitter. Does she really think we're just going to let her up and go? Free to leave, no strings attached? For starters Carlisle has a duty of care. He ignores her demand.

"Well Bella, your vitals have improved a little, although your blood pressure is still too low." He moves around the bed to check the banana bag. Bella continues struggling, trying to turn so that she can see how long she's been unconscious and how much has gone into her body. "We found an alarming amount of caffeine in your blood." He pauses, waiting for a reaction. Nothing. Bella ignores him. "Bella, we want to help you. This isn't to hurt you. It's to save your life."

"It doesn't _need _saving. I'm fine. Everything's fine. And even if it wasn't I wouldn't go to _you _for help." Ouch.

"Bella, you either agree to treatment and get better or well section you and make _sure_ you get better."

"You can't _make _me do anything. I'm eighteen. I'd like to be discharged."

"I'm sorry Bella but I can't do that, since you've decided to resist treatment I'm signing this form, agreeing that you are mentally unfit and will be sectioned under section four of the mental health act which holds you for three days. In that time we will assess you and most likely section for twenty eight days under section two. If your are still deemed mentally unfit the doctor in charge of you care will be forced to section you under section _three_ of the mental health act for a longer unspecified period of time, until it is deemed that you are mentally and physically healthy enough to be released under supervision."

Bella looks stunned. She doesn't say anything.

"Bella we don't _ want _to do this but your giving us not choice. You're ill."

She rolls slightly on her side, still attached to the wires. She turns away from us. She stops fighting against me and I let go of her arms.

"Bella, if you try to pull them out again well be forced to sedate you, you're very sick. I'll come in later when the Banana bag is empty to put in a feeding tube, just until your feel well enough to eat."

She continues to ignore him. He turns to look at me.

"I think it's best if someone stays with her, until we can trust her, maybe Emmett or Alice should take a turn."

I shake my head. "Alice is with Jasper, she's very upset and he's still trying to calm her down. Apparently she can't 'see' anything."

"Emmett can sit with her." Carlisle says calmly. How can he remain so calm in the face of everything.

I look back at Bella and can see her body shaking slightly into the pillow. She's crying. My un-beating heart just about breaks open. It's so painful to see Bella like this.

**A/N: The 1983 Mental health act is the UK. I know Bella's American but I'm not. In America its actually section 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hold) which is 72 hours, I'm not sure how they go about getting a longer one. In the UK Section two is twenty eight days, cannot be renewed, and must be signed by two doctors, one must know you and one must be approved under section 12. (Normally your GP and a psychiatrist.) Section three lasts up to six months but can be renewed. They can only be sectioned under section three if next of kin doesn't objects and if they state which mental disorder the patient suffers from. Section four is an emergency hold up to 72 hours (similar to a 5150) and only needs one doctor.**

**Feeding tubes can be inserted through your skin into stomach or up your nose and down your throat. Banana bags can be used intravenously (IVs) which is what Bella has at the moment. **

"**The difference between want and need is self control."**

**Bella POV**

Carlisle leaves while Esme stays there and guards me. Does no one even trust me to be alone for five seconds?

When Carlisle returns Esme quickly leaves. He's holding a thin looking tube and a bag. The nurse behind him is pushing a small trolley.

"Bella..." He begins. This can't be good, I can tell from the expression on his face. "Your Banana bag is nearly empty so we're going to change you over to a feeding tube. I know this may be uncomfortable but I talked to your psychiatrist and he agreed that this was the best way forward for now, until you're feeling better."

No, oh no. Not a feeding tube. I won't be able to control anything then. I'll be helpless. I'll have to eat what they want me to eat.

"Bella, we're going to give you a mild sedative to help you relax a little. It will only take a few seconds before you start to feel it." I can see the nurse from the corner of my eye move round the bed and I can feel as she inserts the needle into my canula and injects it into my arm. Already I begin to feel a little bit tired and my energy begins to drop. I don't feel like fighting as much anymore.

"Should I get restraints?" Questions the nurse. No. No restraints. No.

"She's severely underweight and partially sedated, I'm sure we'll be fine."

I can see the nurse move back down the bed as Carlisle shoots me a worried look. She coats the end of the tube in some sort of lubricant and passes it to Carlisle.

"Please be still Bella, as uncomfortable as it is, struggling will only make it worse." Should I struggle? What's the point. As Carlisle mentioned earlier, I don't stand a chance against them. What's the point fighting something if I'm going to lose anyway?

He moves the end of the tube up to my nose and starts to insert it. It's uncomfortable and it tickles to have something shoved up my nose. I resist a little but soon remember it's futile. The nurse holds on to my arm in both a soothing and restraining gesture. I can feel it as it moves down my throat and I gag, but it makes no difference.

When they're finished the nurse hooks it up to a machine. Great, now my life is in their hands. They can do what they like and I can't do a thing to stop them.

"Okay Bella, the feeding tube will provide you with the required nutrients and calories. I know its unpleasant but until you agree to eat properly well have to use this."

I don't look at him. How could he betray me like this? How could Charlie betray me like this?

"Esme's going to come back in now and watch you until Emmett arrives, okay?"

I don't answer. This is so horrible, so unpleasant, so humiliating. I just want to go home and have everything back to how it was.

**Emmett POV**

I got a phone call from Esme asking me to come babysit Bella while Esme had a break. I really feel sorry for her, even though she doesn't need to sleep or eat it still must have been pretty boring sitting there while Bella was unconscious.

I'm sitting in the chair next to her bed. She hasn't spoken yet and the silence unnerves me. I'm not used to people ignoring me.

"So...Rose couldn't come and visit, other commitments." _Yeah right. _She doesn't say anything and I wonder what she's thinking and how much we're to blame for this. Did us leaving really do this to her? Or was she a waiting time bomb?

There's silence again.

"What Bella, you're just going to ignore me for five hours?"

She turns to face me.

"That seems about fair, you guys just abandoned me, not even a goodbye." She hisses at me._ Ouch._

"We are sorry Bella. We did think we were doing the right thing, Edward said it was the right thing."

"Well it _wasn't._ Not for anyone." Wow, she sure is mad.

"Bella, I can't change the past, what happened, happened. There's no going back."

I wait for her response but she doesn't say anything. She rolls over properly, facing me.

"Where's everyone else?"

I sigh.

"Alice and Jasper are at home. She's very upset with you." He pauses.

"She can't see me future can she?"

"No." I can't lie to her. "Rose is out. Carlisle's working. Esme's gone for a break from the hospital, she's at home too."

"And Edward?" She asks quietly.

"We don't know."

She turns away from me and I can only guess she's crying again. I decide to change the topic of conversation.

"Bella are you going to eating again. You're scaring Alice something crazy." She doesn't respond. "Bella, you've got to eat. Humans eat. You'll die otherwise, even with Carlisle's help."

**Bella POV**

I'm so mad, I'm not going to die, I know what I'm doing, and besides, it's not like anybody cares. It's not like _I _care.

"I don't see what the difference is." I cry at him. They need to understand. I'm no worse than them. Neither of us eat food. Neither of us eats our natural food source. What am I doing so wrong? And why is it so wrong that I'm doing this and yet when they do it is a sign of strength, a sign of self control.

"What difference?" He asks, confused.

"The difference between me not eat and you not eating." Comprehension dawns in his eyes. "You don't eat food either."

"I don't need to eat food. You do."

"I don't. I'm fine."

"You _died. _Alice saw your funeral. If it wasn't for Carlisle you wouldn't be here."

"Too right I wouldn't, Charlie would have never figured it out on his own."

"You'd be _dead._"

We're quiet for a moment.

"And another thing, you don't drink _human blood_ like you're supposed to and it's brilliant, wonderful, a test of stamina, yet when I refuse _my_ natural food source, I get sectioned."

"We _replace_ human blood with animals, you have nothing."

**Esme POV**

We need Edward. Edward will make her understand. She loves him. He loves her. They'll work it out. She'll get better. And if not...

At least Bella will have someone so spend eternity with.

"Edward, please, if you've got to come home now. I don't know if you've got any of our messages, but Bella sick. Really sick. You need to come say goodbye to her."

**A/N: Inserting a nasogastric tube: Explain procedure and obtain consent, Examine nostrils for deformity or obstructions to determine best side for insertion, Measure tubing length, Lubricate 2-4 inches with lubricant (e.g. 2% Xylocaine). Pass tube via either nostril, past the pharynx, into the oesophagus and then the stomach. Instruct the patient to swallow and advance the tube as the patient swallows (sipping a glass of water helps). **

**It can be used as a once off, intermittently or constantly (using a pump). **

"**An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."**

**A few days later.**

**Edward POV**

"_Edward, please, if you've got to come home now. I don't know if you've got any of our messages, but Bella sick. Really sick. You need to come say goodbye to her."_

She might not make. Oh no, she can't die. She means everything to me. She is my life. She's all that I live for. What have I done? I should have stayed and protected her. I should have known that Bella would attract trouble with or without me around. I'm in Canada, it takes hours to get to Forks from her. I'll have to steal a car or something.

The thoughts from when I first found out circle my mind. I shouldn't have left her. I should never have left her.

I pull into the parking lot outside the hospital and quickly make my way inside. I recognise the receptionist who smiles at my sadly.

"They're on the second floor." She tells me sadly. I quickly make my way to the lifts.

Stepping inside I wait anxiously as it rises. As I exit the lift I quickly spot Carlisle standing in front of the nurse's station. I call out to him and he looks up and sees me. Immediately his thoughts are guarded.

"She's sick Edward, she won't eat. We had to give her a feeding tube. We took it out this morning hoping she would eat as Emmett's been talking to her all week but so far no luck. Emmett's with her now. If she hasn't by tonight we'll put it back in and leave it another week before we try again. It's important we get her weaned off the tube as soon as possible as it is unable for us to completely give her everything she needs through a tube "

"Where's Alice?" I growl. It's my fault, it's all my fault.

"She's inconsolable still. Jasper's been trying to calm her down. She can't see Bella's future. She hasn't fed because she's so busy looking. We don't want to risk her coming her."

Oh no. She really is going to die.

"She's in the room next to the nurse's station." He tells me. "Emmett's talking to her."

I stand outside the door. I can hear her arguing. He's trying to persuade her to eat something.

"_Bella it's a sandwich, it won't kill you, not even if it wanted to." _I almost laugh, I would if it wasn't so serious.

I knock and go in. Bella's lying there with Emmett in a chair.

"Emmett, if you don't remove the sandwich pretty quick I will shove it in your face!" She hisses at him.

"Chillax Bella, it's only food."

"_You_ eat it then."

He laughs. They haven't even notice me.

"Yeah Bella...come on, just a bite. If you don't do it Carlisle will put the feeding tube back in."

"No."

She looks up at me and gasps.

"Edward?" She asks.

"Hey." I say. I go and sit on the edge of her bed, facing her.

"Please Bella, just a bite. I don't know if I could live without you."

"_You left me._" She hisses at me. Wow she's mad.

"I'm sorry, I thought it was best if I left so you could be happy."

"Well clearly I wasn't." Emmett laughs.

"Bella I love you."

"If you loved me you would have stayed. No matter what."

"I'm sorry."

"It's too late."

I sigh. What am I supposed to do, I can't change the past.

"What do you want me to do."

She turns and looks me straight in my eyes.

"Promise me you'll stay forever,"

"I'll do it. If you eat."

She weighs up the options in her head.

"One bite." She asks.

"Five."

"Two bites." She tries.

"Five.

"Two bites."

"Fine, two bites." She smiles, she thinks she's won. Little does she know I'd have been happy with one.

She lifts up the sandwich to her mouth looks at it, almost afraid. She puts it back down and starts peeling away the crust with her fingers. Then she rips the sandwich in half and then into increasingly small pieces until I put out my hand to stop her. She picks up a small piece and puts it in her mouth. She chews for a long time and I can tell she has difficulty swallowing. Finally she swallows it and I can see her wait as she tries to stop it coming back up. The same feeling I have when I eat human food. She takes another piece and eats it.

"Tell me you'll stay."

"Forever." I whisper back.


	5. Just to fit in

"**Sophie's hoping she can be like all the other girls...Living in an ordinary world, just to fit in, in the ordinary world, Just to fit in like an ordinary girl." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.**

**A/N: Before people complain that she's being released to early, yes you're right, but the three day section was up and they either had to commit her for twenty-eight days, or trust her to get better with help. They can't see how bad it is, they think now Edward's back everything will go back to how it was, but once a problem starts, it can't just be reversed by having the trigger removed. **

"**Good habits result from resisting temptation."**

**Bella POV**

Carlisle managed to persuade my psychiatrist not to keep me for the twenty eight days. They think that after three days in hospital I'm well enough to be released under Carlisle's supervision. I've gained a few pounds in the few days I've been in hospital, they think that I'll keep on doing that when I'm out. They think a few check-ups with the shrink will keep me on line. Little do they know. I have to have check up and weekly weigh-ins and occasional drug tests but otherwise I'm free.

And I know the first thing I'll do.

A quick run through the woods. My health's improved enough that I can probably manage a good run, burn off some of the fat that's been pumped into my the last few weeks. A nice long run followed by a fast. That should get rid of at least some of it.

I must make sure to avoid Edward and his family though. I wonder if I can trick them. How much can I lose before they find out. Should I run? Would I get very far, or would they find me. Where would I go anyway. I can't go back to my mother's as Charlie ratted my out to her, and she's much too aware to let anything go unnoticed.

Perhaps it's best I stay here and hope no one finds out.

The car stops and I turn to look at Carlisle who has driven my home from the hospital.

"I thought you'd like to stop and say hello to everyone." He says.

I get out of the car and walk up the house, Carlisle following behind. I step inside and I'm greeted by Alice who wraps her arms around me.

"It's so good to have you back Bella."

She pulls back and I'm quickly hugged by Esme.

"It's good to see you looking so well."

I nod. There's nothing I can say. I can't exactly tell them that I hate myself, that I think I'm fat.

"We're going to watch a movie Bella." Says Esme. "We wondered if you wanted pizza." A test. They don't eat.

"Sure." I fake smile. "I'd love to." Remind me to vomit later.

I sit down on the sofa next to Edward. Rosalie and Emmett are sitting on the sofa to my left. Alice and Jasper on the floor in front of us. Carlisle quickly sits down on the vacant sofa, where I'm sure Esme will join him. Everybody all coupled up.

Esme comes back in carrying a pizza. She pulls out a small coffee table and puts the pizza in front of me and Edward.

"Obviously you don't have to eat it all." She says. She smiles reassuringly.

She turns of the light and sits down next to Carlisle.

Someone switches the television on and presses play on the DVD player. The screen flickers and the titles come up.

Someone gets up and switches the television off.

Carlisle looks up across at me and smiles.

"Time to go home and go to bed I think." He says. I don't really relish the thought of going to sleep. With my barriers down the memories creep in, tormenting me. My mind tortures me during my sleep.

Everybody gets up and leaves, going to their rooms I guess. Only Carlisle and Edward remain. Carlisle looks at me as if trying to find a way to say something unpleasant. What's he going to say?

"Bella...Your psychologist mentioned you'd had trouble sleeping." He seems uncomfortable.

I say nothing. Always plead ignorance, denial.

"If you need me to prescribe any sleeping tablets..." He trails off.

"I'm fine Carlisle; I don't need anything to help me get to sleep." I don't mention that it's not the getting to sleep that's my problem but the staying asleep, the nightmares that plague me.

"Okay then, just remember to take your meds, I'm sure Edward can see you home safely."

I smile reassuringly at him. _How does it feel to lie to such a nice person?_

I'm aware of Edward's eyes burning into me. I turn to face him.

"Have you got all your stuff before we go?"

I nod my head. "I left it all in the car when Carlisle picked me up." I reply.

He says nothing and we walk out to the car. There's nothing but deadly silence.

"I'm glad you came back." I blurt out. Immediately I regret it, he's just here for his family and I don't want to scare him away again.

"I'm sorry I left." He replies sadly. He's sorry? Why? I don't ask.

I get in the passenger seat and Edward shuts the door behind me. Almost instantly he's in the driving seat next to me.

The silence is awkward but we both know we can't fix this. He left. I'm broken. Nothing can change that now.

"Is there any chance you can stop at the pharmacy on your way back, if it's not too much trouble." I ask. It's not far out of our way, just near the high school.

"You can ask Carlisle if you need him to fill any prescriptions." He says.

"No, I just wanted some make-up, and the drug store's the only place open this late, I don't want to go to school tomorrow looking like I died." _Lies. That's not what I want._

"Sure."

We sit in silence. Both of us afraid to talk, afraid of the other's reaction. Eventually we pull up outside 'Chinook Pharmacy & Variety'.

"I'll be five minutes, you can wait here." Does the command in my voice make him stay or does he not care?

I get out of the car and walk inside. I quickly home in on what I want. Caffeine tablets. Laxatives. Slimming Aids. Should I buy them all now or would the cashier get suspicious. Safe to get only one or two, then come back later. I need the caffeine tablets to stay awake, and to counteract the meds that my physiologist has had me on, if I actually decide to continue taking them now I'm free. Slimming pills. I'll get both. I won't need the laxatives unless I binge anyway.

I grab the tablets and walk up to the counter, grabbing some foundation so as to have evidence in case Edward checks.

The cashier runs it through and I hand him the money. I ask him to put the foundation in a bag while I hide the tablets in my pocket. I grab my bag and go outside where Edward is waiting. Does he know? Does he suspect? Or is he blindly ignorant?

I look up at him trying to gage his emotions. It's always so hard when he hides them so well.

As I do up my seatbelt he starts the engine. Obviously not suspicious then. Thankfully.

I sit in silence on the short journey home, not sure what to say. I'm relieved when we pull up outside my house. I get out of the car and Edward walks me to my door.

"Well then, I'll just go up to bed, thanks Edward, you don't have to stay." He looks slightly wounded as I close the door in his face. Better remember to lock my bedroom window. I quickly rush upstairs and lock it, pulling the curtains across. It's perfectly natural to want privacy, he should remember that.

**A/N: Great website for info: . **

**Zyprexa /Olanzapine****Used for**: schizophrenia, Anorexia. **Side Effects**: drowsiness, dizziness, increased appetite, weight gain.

**Paxil:****Used For**: Depression. **Side Effects**: dizziness, weight gain.

**Remeron: ****(mirtazapine)** - **Used for: **Depression. **Side Effects**: dizziness, weight gain, increased appetite.

**Norpramin / Desipramine ****Used for**: Depression, panic disorder and Bulimia Nervosa. **Side Effects**: sedation disorientation, confusion.

**Tofranil / Imipramine ****Used for**: Depression, chronic pain, Bulimia Nervosa. **Side Effects**: sedation, confusion.

**Prozac**: **Used for:** Depression, Bulimia Nervosa, OCD **Side Effects**: appetite loss, vomiting.

**Lithium ****Used for**: manic depression, bulimia and alcoholism. **Side Effects**: vomiting, blackouts, dizziness, slurred speech.

**Naltrexone /Revia** **Used for**: Alcoholism. Dieting addictions, Binge Eating Disorders, Self-Harm. **Side Effects**: loss of appetite, feeling down, dizziness.

**Xanax:****Used for**: Anxiety Disorders. **Side Effects**: sleepiness, loss of appetite, weakness, and confusion.

**Zoloft:****Used for**: Depression, OCD and Panic Disorder. **Side Effects**: dizziness.

**Effexor:****Used for**: Depression. **Side Effects**: dizziness.

**Wellbutrin**** Used for**: Depression. **Side Effects**: dizziness, vomiting, loss of appetite and weight loss.

**Luvox ****Used for**: Depression. OCD. **Side Effects**: sleepiness, nausea, loss of appetite, dizziness.

"**When I'm alone, no one hears me cry." **

**Courage: Superchick.**

I rush up to my room, ready to take the tablets. As my as possible as quickly as possible. Get that caffeine, get those fat blockers, into my system as quickly as I can. Try and reverse the damage they did in the hospital. I can't believe they think this is better for me. I fat. I need to lose weight. I want to. I open up the packet when I hear footsteps on the stairs. Oh no, Charlie.

"Bells?" He calls.

Quick, hide the evidence. I quickly shove the pills into my school bag and throw myself down onto the bed. I make it in time just as the door creeps open. Charlie comes in and stands in front of the bed.

"Bells, it's good to see you looking better." I say nothing. I don't agree with him, why waste my breath. My words are only worth it when they're not falling on deaf ears.

There's silence for a few seconds before Charlie fills the emptiness.

"I'm going to bed now then. Remember you have school tomorrow." And with that he leaves, thank goodness.

I lie back on my bed, relieved no one has found out my secret yet. Relived that I can carry this lie on just a little bit longer.

I'm suddenly overcome with tiredness. It's as if everything is finally catching up with me. I let my eyes drop closed and sink my head into the pillow. Very quickly I fall asleep and I'm transported into my dreams.

_He's there, again. Wearing the same clothes as before, wearing the same clothes as always. I hate this dream. I hate it. And yet I can't seem to wake up from it. Despite knowing it isn't real I feel a tremor of fear shoot through me as I look up at him, towering above me. He's looking at me like I'm dirt, like I'm a bug on the floor. He's giving off this menacing vibe, a warning, a danger I've never felt before around him. Oh no, not again._

_He looks at me and licks his lips. I bit mine. I'm tempted to back away, my mod tells me to run, but I'm stuck here, I can't move, I'm so glad just to see him, even in my nightmares. My heart flutters. Is he more attracted to my body or my blood? He begins to approach me and whispers those words. Again. I try to retreat but I can't stop from hearing them._

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."  
"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

_My heart crumbles into a thousand pieces again. Everytime. No matter how many times I hear it, it still breaks my heart every time. _

_I look up and he's morphing, changing. His skin is becoming paler, his eyes darker, redder. Redder? My eyes dart to his mouth and I see his teeth. Sharp and pointy. Dangerous. I stare into his eyes and see a wicked glint. _

"_...I never wanted you. I was just thirsty." He lunges at me. _

_I feel a sharp pain in my neck. I stumble backwards. I look up at Edward and there's blood trickling down the side of his mouth. It hurts, again._

"_Sweet, innocent, delicious Bella. Did you think you could out run me?" My heart freezes as he says those words. So much like James. I'm not sure which one of them is a monster or if they both are. Only he haunts my dreams._

_He lunges again and the pain intensifies. _

"_Bella." He moans, as he sucks on my neck, drawing more of my precious blood into his mouth._

"_Bella." _

"_No." I try to scream but it gurgles in my throat. Oh no, he's going to kill me. He lunges again and I scream._

I bolt upright in my bed. I'm covered in sweat and I'm literally shaking. Time to self medicate. I walk over to my dresser and open the bottom drawer. I rummage under the clothes and my fingers grasp around the small glass jar hidden at the back under all my clothes. I should have thought to hid the caffeine here too instead of leaving them in my pocket.

I grab the jar and untwist the lid, pouring six out into my hand and quickly swallow them dry. I don't know why Charlie would even freak over these because they're just plant extracts, but still I'm careful to hide them. I take two caffeine tablets as well, crunching them on my tongue despite the warning to swallow not chew, and hide the packet in the drawer above, just in case Charlie found one of them, the other should be safe. I feel the caffeine begin buzz around my blood stream, it feels good.

I walk over to my window and open the curtains, light rushes in, it's already morning. Just the thing I was looking forward to after a disturbed night's sleep. I wonder what rumours are flying around. Drugs? Prison? Maybe even something to do with the Cullens.

**A/N: Just so everyone knows; don't mix medications. JUST DON'T DO IT. And from experience definitely don't mix anti anxiety meds (even OTC) and caffeine. The caffeine will counter act the anxiety meds and may even make you **_**more **_**freaked-out. This goes for other medications as well. Don't mix. And don't drink if you're taking them because alcohol because alcohol has a 'SYNERGISTIC effect' on other substances which means it makes them stronger (like you're taking a large dosage). So if you take an aspirin and drink, your MUCH more likely to have stomach bleeding etc. **

**Also 'Kalms' is very good if you take them regularly or even if you don't.**

**And that thing about coming from plant; all medicines come from plants, even Aspirin. **

**And finally, if it says don't chew is because the medication is meant to be slow release. Not instant rush. **

"**Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."**

I have to face everybody. Back to school. I hate people staring at me. I wonder what the rumours are. Or will anyone even notice, to busy caring that the Cullens are back?

As I walk in I can hear Lauren and Jessica whispering.

"_I heard she was with Edward all of last week, couldn't keep their hands off each other." _Nowhere near true. He was only with to drive me home and once in the hospital. And he doesn't care about me. No one cares.

"_I heard her and Edward eloped and now his family has moved back so that they can be close to each other." _So untrue. Where could we even elope around her?

"_I heard she's pregnant, and he's come back to support the baby because she's starting to show."_

I look down at my stomach. Am I that fat that people think I'm pregnant? I really need to go for a run. Burn off some of that fat. I can't believe other people think I'm _that_ fat. I can't stay in school, I need to go, I need to exercise. I turn to run but before I can move I crash into a rock hard wall. I look up. Edward.

There's no escaping now, not with him behind me. Could I try and run when he's not looking. I could just say I didn't feel well; I was going home to rest. Would it work?

"Bella, I'm so glad to see you, I've missed you." Squeals Alice. Oh joy, pixie with her fake niceness. My heart lurches when I think of being mean towards Alice, she used to be my best friend. Now...Now I don't know what I was thinking.

"Hey." I smile weakly. Does anyone suspect? Does Alice suspect? Has she seen something? Oh why can't she stay out of my life, I was doing fine without her, without them, I'm doing just fine.

I prepare myself mentally for the day, it's only six hour, I can cope with that, and then I can go home, do whatever I like, no one to stop me. I might even run solidly through the night. The idea makes me smile.

Emmett wraps his arms around me, crushing me in a bear hug.

"Emmett, she can't breathe, let her go." Rosalie's scolding voice. Since when did she care about me.

I just have to make it until the end of the day, and then I'll figure something else out. What about lunch? I rack my brains for an idea to get out of it. Lunch time club? Reading in the library? I could fake sleep. I could pretend I'm just exhausted by being back at school.

I fake a yawn.

"Tired Bella?" Emmett laughs.

"Yeah, actually, I didn't get that much sleep last night. I didn't sleep that well."

"Why?" He chuckles. "What were you and Edward up to?" Rosalie hits him around the back of the head. "Oww!" He clutches the back of his head and frowns before turning back to me, smiling.

"No." I say. No details, don't go into it. Don't give away anything they can use against you.

There's silence as everyone, including Emmett realises I'm not going to talk to them, that I have a lot of trust issues with them now. Finally Edward breaks the silence.

"Come on then, I'll walk you to class."

Great, double biology followed by English with Edward. At least I can escape at lunch. I could go to the library or go sit in my car.

As we enter the classroom it suddenly goes quiet.

"_How far along do you think she is? They're been good four months so she must be at least that." _Great rumours. And Edward can hear them, suddenly I'm overcome with mortification. Edward can hear them, He can hear what everyone's thinking. I can hear Jessica and Lauren talking behind me.

"_She is definitely pregnant, I mean, she's been gone, like, three days, and she's put on like, twenty pounds, it's so gross, I'm she's barely eighteen. Unless that's how they celebrated her birthday." _

"_She must be awful, he left her right after that." _

My heart rips in two as I'm reminded of him leaving me. Edward turns round and growls at them. They stop talking and just look at him. Then they turn to glare at me.

Great. Two hours of this. And Jessica's in my English class as well. Edward turns to face me.

"Ignore them." I bite back the urge to ask him if he thinks I'm fat. Of course he does, he left me.

I sit here as Mr Banner begins a riveting lecture on plant cells. Great. Something new and interesting, it's not like we've ever learned about plant cells before.

The morning drags. Even English isn't any fun. It's just all so dull.


	6. Sophie’s losing weight by the minute

"**Sophie's losing weight by the minute, How did things get this bad?" Sophie – Eleanor McEvoy.**

**A/N: This isn't a relapse (that's still to come), as she was never better to start with. This is merely the natural progression of her illness after a short (three day) hospital stay that failed to actually make her better (mentally). **

**Also, for those who think Bella got released to early and those who think she ate the food in the hospital too easily, she ate the food (two very small bites) because she knew there was no other way to get out. Remember, people are sneaky. And she got released after three days because she ate and because she was physically better, to have kept her for twenty eight days they would have needed a good reason.**

"**In my head the flesh seems thicker." **

**Ana's Song: Silverchair.**

I can hear the bustling of everybody moving and talking around me. Whispered conversations across crowded tables, declarations or love between couples, the rustling of lunch trays, gossip shared among friends. I let it all rush past.

My head is resting on my crossed arms, my eyes closed. I try to block out the voices of the Cullens surrounding me at the lunch table. I try to pretend I'm asleep but I'm not sure it's working. I can practically feel their eyes burning holes in my skin.

There's hushed silence around the table and I know they're exchanging worried glances. I should have gone to the library but that would have suggested premeditation. At least pretending I'm tired doesn't lay the blame at my fault. There could be genuine reasons I'm tired. There are reasons I'm tired, like the fact I barely slept last night, but I'm not actually sleepy-tired. I don't want to sleep. A nightmare in the cafeteria would only add to the rumours. On the other hand there are plenty of reason why I could be tired. And I'm going to use that.

"Bella." Alice's voice. "Aren't you going to have any lunch?" I can hear the worry in her voice and for a moment I almost feel guilty.

I don't lift my head from my arms. "I'm tired. So tired. I need to sleep." Do they believe it? Maybe they think I just had a bad night's sleep, worrying about school. And they probably all know by now I didn't sleep well in the hospital. Maybe they think I've taken too much anti anxiety meds or something. More full them. I haven't taken any of those drugs they gave me. I don't plan to either. I wonder who long I can get away with it for. Hopefully until the end of my senior year. Just another few months. That's all I need.

"We could get Carlisle to change the tablets you're on, maybe something less drowsy?" Edward. Does he think he can bribe me? Does he think he can help me? I'm eternally grateful he can't read my mind. That would not end well.

"Bella, I get that you feel tired, but you have to eat." Emmett this time. Do they think they're going to win me over. Think of an excuse, how do I get out of this. Do they think that if they gang up against me they can beat me? They're not going to get me to eat short of shoving another plastic tube down my throat.

"No. Tired. Sleep." I bury my head into my arms and go perfectly still breathing shallowly. Let them think I'm sleeping. I hope I can fool them with my mediocre acting skills.

"_Edward." _Alice hisses. _"What are we going to do? She's not eating; she can't skip means no matter what."_

"_I know Alice, I know. But she's tired, what can we do."_

Tired, yeah right, I've taken enough caffeine running through my body to keep me awake until tomorrow. And hopefully it will because I can't face another night like last night. I can't face another nightmare. I can't see his face again, those red eyes. I can't hear those words. Not again.

I can hear Alice and Edward furiously whispering to each other, too fast for me to possibly understand what they're saying. I think that's the point. I hope lunch is over soon.

The bell rings. I almost smile. the end of lunch and I didn't even have to eat anything. And they don't even suspect, they just think I'm tired. It's almost too perfect.

I lay still, my head resting on my arms. Let them think I'm still sleeping. I'd hate for them to find out I was faking. I can hear other people getting up from their tables, their chairs scraping against the floor as they push them away. I can hear the clattering of trays as they get thrown carelessly.

I lay still until I feel Edward shake me gently.

"Bella?" He shakes me again. I groan. "Bella, come on, wake up, we have to go to class."

I stay still, savouring the moment. Delaying going to class by a few desperate seconds.

He shakes me again. "Bella, I'm going to pick you up, if you won't wake up I'll take you to the nurse and she'll send you home."

My mind sparks. Now _that_ sounds like a good idea. Two extra hours to do what I want. No Charlie No Edward, he'll leave me to sleep. I might play this to my advantage. And getting out of class is simply an added bonus.

"M'kay." I mumble. I let him think I'm still sleepy.

He reaches around and lifts me up into his arms. I flutter my eyelids and out of the corner I catch a glimpse of Alice picking up my bag. For a second I'm worried she'll find all my stuff in there, all the stuff I'm not supposed to have.

I smother the anxiety back down.

I can hear the sounds of the other students leaving the cafeteria quietening as we make our way through a set of double doors. I keep my eyes closed.

We quickly make it to the nurse's room. After a quick knock on the door it opens and I'm carried inside. He lays me down on the bed and I curl up into a ball. I can feel the nurse pull a blanket over me.

"Oh dear," She says, "What's wrong with her, she didn't faint again did she?"

I bite back a laugh.

"I'm not sure; I think she's just exhausted. You wouldn't mind sending her home would you, I can drive us." He asks. Creep. He manages to dazzle everyone with his irresistible charm.

"Oh yes." She gushes. How sick, she's far too old for him. At least biologically.

Suddenly I'm being lifted up into his arms again.

"Bella," he says softly, "I'm taking you home, Alice has already left your bag in my car, is there anything else you need?"

I murmur but don't say anything. Nope, everything's inside my precious bag.

"Bella, please wake up, I'm worried about you."

I wriggle a little but don't say anything. I can't deal with Edward and him moody, depressing tendencies, I have enough of that on my own.

The cold air as we step outside make me shiver. We quickly get to his car and he lowers me into the passenger seat, strapping me in. Suddenly he starts talking.

"I need you to open your eyes Bella." Does he know I'm faking? "Please..." he sighs "The only time you let me near you and you're not even conscious." I can hear the pain in his voice but I'm still too hurt y him leaving in the first place to care.

We pull up outside my house and he carries me inside. I 'stir' a little but remain asleep. He pulls back the covers of my bed and lies me down fully clothed, only stopping to remove my shows. He pulls back the covers and goes to leave.

"I love you Bella, I wish you knew." My heart lurches. Am I dreaming it? Why would he say it if he thought I was asleep.

I keep my eyes closed as he makes his way out of the door. I wait until I hear the engine start and drive away. He didn't stay. He doesn't care. I listen to him drive away.

"**I want my collarbones and hips to be as sharp as my mind."**

I open my eyes. Now I have at least two hours before anyone comes to check up on me, they all think I'm sleeping. Even if Charlie comes home early he won't be home before school finishes so I have two hours to do what I want. I'm desperate for a run. I could do with burning off some of the calories. I didn't exactly get a chance at the hospital.

I get up out of the bed and rummage through the drawers for a pair of jogging pants and a loose top. I quickly slip them on. I'll need at least thirty minutes to shower and cook dinner. That means a ninety minute run. My heart leaps with joy at the thought. I'm really looking forward to this. I decide to stick to the paths in the forest. Even if they make it bumpier and more likely for me to trip I can't risk running in the open and having someone see me.

I quickly make it to the edge of the woods. It's not far from my house. I start of at a gently speed, easing back into my old rhythm. I'm stuck by the feeling of energy that I now have following my short stint in the hospital. I already feel a lot better in myself. I decide to speed it up a bit. My mind begins to blur with mental images as I run through the forest.

I check my watch; I've been running for half an hour. I decide to sit down. I collapse down by a tree and focus on my breathing which is really quick and try to slow it down. I close my eyes and tilt my head back.

Instantaneously those words flitter through my mind.

_"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

I jerk my eyes open and gasp as I take in the trees surrounding me. I gather my knees up in my arms and fight the urge to cry. I look at my watch. Forty-five minutes. Fifteen to find my way home means another thirty minutes maximum. I could loop round a follow a circle path back to the beginning, but I'd really have to push it to get back in time. I smile at the thought.

I start off gently again, gradually building up my speed. I can feel my lungs begin to ache. There's a pounding in my chest and my heart clenches and squeezes in an uncomfortable way.

Eventually I collapse against a tree, sprawling into a heap on the floor. I'm gasping for breath. I fight to get my breathing back under control.

I check my watch. It took longer than I expected, I only have ten minutes now to make it home, thirty to shower and cook, assuming Charlie makes it home on time perfectly.

*

After I shower I rummage though the cupboards for food that I'm willing to eat, my only meal of the day. Stew seems good. I can cut up vegetables and turn them into some sort of broth. I can blame it on a lack of food in the house.

What about shopping?

I could tell Charlie I'm uncomfortable doing the shopping, being surrounded by so much food. He might believe me. And Charlie's lack of food shopping ability would mean we would rarely have sensible food in the house.

What if I became vegetarian...or vegan? That would be a good way to disguise me eating habits. I could say I ate before because I was eating something different. It's the perfect plan. I could download one of those weekly meal plans and just pretend I'm eating elsewhere, pocketing the money I would spend on food and using it for pills. It's genius.

I cut up enough vegetables for Charlie and start boiling the water. I grab two plates from the cupboard and place one on the side next to the oven. I take the other and run it under the sink, placing it to dry on the draining board. I grab and knife and fork and do the same. Trick him into thinking I ate before I came home. A trick I learnt at the hospital from one of the other girls.

I can hear Charlie's cruiser pull up outside. I dish up the food as he comes in through the door.

"Bells?" He calls.

"In here, dad." I reply.

He comes in the kitchen and leans over the oven.

"Mmm, smells good Bells." I smile politely at him.

I put his plate down on the table.

He frowns and looks across at me.

"Aren't you having any Bells?" He asks.

"I ate while I was waiting for you I reply, I couldn't wait, I was hungry." Such lies, how does anyone believe them. I gesture to the sink and he notice my washed plate. The evidence is enough for him. And he doesn't realise what a good liar I am.

"**A flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect."**

**Edward POV**

I pull up outside the hospital. I'm dreading this; I'm afraid what he'll say. Is it my fault she's like this? Am I to blame? I don't understand what Bella's thinking, I don't understand how she can think that this is okay. How can she think that it's right to be this thin, especially when it's making her so sick? She nearly died.

When I see he small, frail body it's almost impossible to imagine she's still alive. I can see her bones sticking out from under her skin. She smells different, not so appetising. I guess I should be grateful. But she looks so sick. She looks so ill.

Carlisle's working but I go in and wait in his office. I stare at the photographs in his office. There's a picture from Bella's birthday. I thought I'd gotten rid of them all, but apparently not. She looks so happy back then, smiling into the camera, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen. How did it all go so wrong? It was perfect one moment, how did it all turn so quickly? Is it my fault? Is this all my fault?

I look up as the door opens. Carlisle enters, wearing his white doctor's coat, with a concerned expression on his face.

"Edward. What are you doing here, shouldn't you be in school." He asks.

"It's Bella." I reply. I'm not sure what else to add. I don't want to see her locked up in some hospital ward.

"I thought as much, what seems to be the problem?" He asks.

"She's not eating, she didn't eat at lunch today, she just slept through it. I had to take her home early. I didn't know if she was on too much medication or something."

"No Edward, I checked personally, the medication shouldn't make her drowsy at all, just calm her down." He frowns.

"Unless she's taking something else you mean?" There's anger in my voice. She wouldn't do that, she wouldn't lie to me.

"Edward, she was brought in with an alarmingly high amount of OTC medications in her body."

"No, I would have noticed." I bite the words out, I don't know why; it's not Carlisle I'm angry at.

"Does she smell different to you?" He asks. I think back to lunch. Yes.

"Yes but I just assumed that was the meds in her blood. She wouldn't do something like that." She wouldn't.

"Edward, you can to me for help because she wasn't eating yet you shoot down my suggestions and questions, you have to face it that Bella is sick, and her recovery will take a while. As for the tiredness, she seems to be having some trouble sleeping. I can prescribe some tablets for her if she comes to see me."

I nod my head. Maybe that would be best.

"On the other hand," continues Carlisle "She shouldn't be _that _tired. Let's see how she eats the rest of this week and if nothing is better by Friday we'll have an intervention." He doesn't add the last bit on the end. If she doesn't get better he'll section her for the twenty-eight days he threatened her with earlier. He doesn't add that they'll probably move her to Port Angeles and have her committed in the Peninsula Community Mental Health Center.

I nod my head, there's nothing else to say.

"Now go home and speak to the others." Says Carlisle.

I know what he means, he wants me to warn the other's to keep an eye on her but not to do anything until Friday. He wants me to get them no wait, to see if she improves on her own, because it's better she gets better on her own rather than through a drip shoved down her throat.

I get up to leave but Carlisle calls me back as I reach the door. I turn around.

"I'm sorry Edward, I really am." I look down. It's my fault she's like this.

I close the door behind me and start walking towards my car. I can't see a way out of this. She's really sick and I don't think she's going to get better.

**A/N: I have some really good HEALTHY vegan and vegetarian meals plans that are really good and easy to use if anybody wants them. They're balanced in terms of food groups and calories to stay HEALTHY (not so thin you die). PM me if you want them. Also all the places I mention are real places. If I want Bella to go to the pharmacy or anything I look up pharmacies n the map and look for one near to her. They're all real. **


	7. Sophie’s family don’t understand it

**A/N: PLEASE READ.**

**Recently (last Thursday) I found out someone close to me, who I trusted and had asked not to read this or ever try to look for me on here, had read this and was using it against me, by blackmailing me. This hurt a lot and I initially planned to stop writing and to ask the moderators for this website to close my account completely, deleting the stories I had already written. **

**I have decided, since I have already written this chapter to upload it anyway, despite my initial plan to never even use this website again. The person who hurt me knows who she is, and I hope she feels bad for what she did, but I doubt it. In her opinion and I guess maybe in other's she's done nothing wrong, but that's not what if feels like.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, even if it ends up being the last. **

"**Sophie's family don't understand it, gave her all that they had." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.**

"**Eat to live, but don't live to eat."**

_"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

I jerk awake. It's dark outside, only the faintest tinge of orange creeping through my curtains. I look over at my alarm clock. It's 4am. I don't want to go back to sleep. I can't face another nightmare. Every night it's the same. His face, his eyes. Those words. I can't hear them again. It hurts too much.

I look around my room. No Edward. He doesn't come here anymore. In some ways I'm glad. It means that I don't have to face him, that I don't have to lie to him. It means I have free time to myself to do whatever I want. I can't help but be filled with pain though. He doesn't want me. He doesn't care.

I have a couple of hours to kill before school. Charlie sleeps solidly so I don't have to worry about him waking up and discovering me. I hope not, at least.

I walk into the bathroom; taking advantage of the fact the Charlie is asleep to use the bathroom to my full advantage. I step onto the scales next to the bath. 94lbs. I've lost the three pounds I put on in the hospital plus two more besides. I smile to myself, knowing that I've won, I've beaten them now. They can't make me fatter. I can make myself thinner though.

I contemplate going or a run after my shower but decide against it. What if Charlie woke up and I was gone. He'd freak out completely. I settle with light exercises and stretches. It won't burn much fat but it will at least keep me occupied.

I walk back into my bedroom and change into some loose fitting clothes. I reach into the back of the drawer and grab the caffeine tablets, popping them out of their plastic and foil blisters, swallowing three of them. I love the bitter after-taste you get from crunching them in your mouth. I always ignore the _do not chew_ warning label.

I feel instantaneously energised. I look in the mirror on my desk and check the size of my pupils. They're huge already but they'll probably calm down by the time it's time to go to school. You can just about see the rings of brown surrounded the ominous looking black holes.

*

I stop exercising when I hear a loud thump coming from Charlie's room. He must have woken up. Great, I think. Time to face Charlie. Or could I pretend to be asleep? I seem to be using that rick a lot recently. I decide to 'stay awake'. Charlie will probably try to wake me up anyway.

I get up off of the floor and walk over to my dresser, pulling out clothes to wear to school today. I pull on a pair of thick tights and socks over the top to keep my feet and legs warm. Next I pull on a pair of jeans. They hang loose on me but it will have to do. I grab a belt and thread it through the loops on my jeans. I've had to put some extra holes in the belt but luckily it doesn't matter.

I pull on a dark coloured spaghetti top, then a long sleeved bright blue top. Next I pull on a baggy baby doll style top and my dark blue Jacket. I wrap a stripped scarf around my neck and walk downstairs. Charlie's waiting.

"Hey dad." I fake a smile.

I walk out of the kitchen and pull on my coat. Charlie, who is listening like a hawk hears me and switches to concerned mode.

"Aren't you going to eat breakfast with me Bells?" He asks.

I fake another smile. "Sure dad, but I have to go in early to catch up so it's okay if I just grab a banana right?" I ask. Jedi mind trick. You tell someone what you want them to do and they agree, at least most of the time.

I almost feel bad about cheating Charlie like this but it's him or me and that usually bottles down to me. He wanted Edward to go; he probably helped drive him away in the first place.

I grab a banana even though I have no intention of eating. This week is going really well, I've been fasting for nearly a whole week now and no one's said anything. I consider eating the banana in front of the Cullens at lunch just to amuse them, but they all seem pretty clueless, I guess that comes from not needing to eat themselves.

I grab my bag and head out of the door to my car. As I reach the door I sway a little. The black spots before my eyes quickly disappear but leave me feeling a little shaken. Today's going to be hard, I can feel it inside me, this week has been going so well, everything's probably about to be turned on its head. Oh well, I've got to take happiness where I can right? Besides, what's the worse that can happen? I decide to stay at school until lunch and I can always go home sick.

*

I'm so pleased. Its Friday lunch and no-one's even questioned me about eating, they've just all let me be. It's the weekend tomorrow which means I'll most likely get away with everything over the weekend because Charlie goes out with Billy fishing. I hide in the library most days at lunch. I tell them I have work to do, or that I just want to read. I go to the library. Sometime Edward or Jasper will come in too and read. I can see them glancing at me every now and then out of the corner of their eyes but I don't say anything. Neither do they. We all just sit there, chess pieces waiting to move, each afraid of attack.

*

Edward's giving me a lift home; the drive is awkward and silent. We've grown too far apart now to be mending bridges. I'm not sure why he wanted me to come home with him. He said that Alice would take my care for me. That he needed to talk. I agreed, I'm not sure why. I guess I just didn't want to sound like a petulant child, upset because her favourite toy was taken away and now she doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't say anything though and I wonder what the point of driving me home was if we weren't going to talk.

I open my eyes as we pull to a stop. We're not at my house. I turn to look at Edward. There's a guilty look on his face. Uh oh, that can't be good. What could he possibly have to be guilty about? We're not dating so he can't have cheated. Unless they're moving again, I hope not.

"What are we doing here?" I ask.

He doesn't reply, and looks away. Uh oh, this can't be good. He gets out of the car and very quickly, walks around the front and opens my door. I stare blankly ahead in shock as I get out of the car, I don't understand, why are we here?

We walk up to the front door and Edward opens it, holding it open for me to step inside. I go into the hall and take off my coat. I'm not sure why we're even here. I turn to look at Edward's piano when I catch sight of the people waiting for me in the room. This can't be good.

Carlisle steps forward and I turn to run but I crash into Edward who is now standing behind me. Oh no, they know.

"Bella, we need to talk."

"**It's liberation not deprivation."**

I look around the room. Behind Carlisle is a very worried looking Esme. I feel guilty about putting her in this awkward situation. Whatever Edward, with the help of his family has done to me, Esme is still a good woman. Alice is standing away from everyone with Jasper holding her in his arms. Comforting her. Rosalie and Emmett are standing near to me. Rosalie looks like she wants something from me, she looks angry. Emmett just stands there all scary looking, as if he's about to restrain me or something. Please don't let this be about what I think it's about.

Rosalie steps forward and grabs my bag out of my hands. I try desperately to keep hold of it but I can't, they not that, they're stronger than me, so much stronger. Rosalie walks away with my bag. I try to follow but I'm locked in a bear hug by Edward who wraps his arms around me as I thrash and scream, anything to break free.

"No! Get out of my stuff. That's mine, don't touch it." I squirm as Edward holds me back, my arms pined against me. I wrestle with him even though I know it's useless, even though I know I can't possible win.

Rosalie already has my bad in her hands and I watch, horrified as she holds it up and turns it upside down. I watch transfixed as all my secrets, all my lies spill out of my bag.

Everyone stands still as my secrets pour out, secret pills, the prescription pills I haven't taken, my diary, everything there for them so see.

I can feel Edwards grip relax, his shock preventing him from doing anything. Rosalie looks furious. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Emmett is rubbing her back trying to calm her. Esme has her face buried in Carlisle's shoulder. I think I may have actually broken her heart. Jasper has his arms wrapped around Alice as she stands the, horrified.

I take advantage of their shock to quickly grab my stuff. I crash to the ground and try to scoop as much as possible up into my bag, ignoring the pain of landing and the bruises that will be there tomorrow.

I haul my bad up onto my shoulder and head for the door. Before I can make it Edward's there, standing in front, blocking my exit. I turn, hoping to find another way out only to find myself surrounded by the rest of the Cullens.

"Please." I beg. "You left me; you have_ no _right to interfere." Esme and Edward both look heartbroken.

Carlisle steps forward.

"That may be, but as a doctor I am required to help you, and as _your _doctor, the one who signed the forms agreeing for your release, I am committed to helping you whether you want it or not.

Edward lifts up my unopened jar of prescription meds that are still lying on the floor.

"You haven't even taken _one_ of the tablets they gave you. Not one." He sounds hurt, really hurt. "Yet by the look of it you've taken plenty of...what are these?" He seems mad.

"Caffeine. Anxiety meds. Slimming tablets." My voice is monotone but wobbles on the last two words. Carlisle joins in.

"Bella _we_ prescribed you medication. Medication that would help you, why would you take these, they're not good for you."

"What do _you_ know." I snarl. "None of _you_ care, none of you know _anything_, my life, my rules."

I take advantage of their hurt and shock to try and duck around Edward, to try and escape out of the door but he catches me. He wraps his arms around me and lifts me up as I struggle against him.

"Alice, get the scales."

"NO!" I scream. I thrash harder against Edward, ignoring the pain, doing anything just to get free. It doesn't matter. Edward carries me over to what I presume to be the scales Alice has just brought out and drops me on to them. I scramble off quickly but it doesn't matter. They've all seen. They all know how much I weigh.

Edward reaches out a hand to me and I step back.

"No." I whisper.

"Bella." He pleads with me.

"No...No, I can't do this. I have to go." I try to run even though I have many times already and have failed to escape so far.

Edward once again pulls me into his arms. I struggle at first but soon I give in and just cry into his shoulder. It's no use fighting them now. I have to give in, they've won this battle.

Edward picks me up and carries me to the sofa as I continue crying. He cradles me in his arms as I sob endlessly.

"Shh..." He whispers, "It will be okay." I don't listen, I just keep on crying. I've suffered too much hurt to listen to his words.

"**She must live at the gym. I stare at her ribs, they show through the spandex." **

**Lucy at the Gym: Gill Sobule.**

I've stopped crying now. I'm in shock more than anything. They know. They're taking me to the hospital. Two cars. Carlisle is driving Esme, me and Edward. We're sitting in the back while Esme sits in the front shooting worried glances at Carlisle. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper and in another car. They're really doing this. Committing me. Twenty eight days. Edward is holding me in his arms; almost as if he's afraid I'll run. The car is filled with deadly silence, everyone too worried to talk.

I can't believe they're doing this to me. Taking me away. I could scream out of the window, claim kidnap, but I don't think anyone would believe me. I hurt by Edward's betrayal. Again. I can't believe he would trick me like that.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask.

"For you. It's all for you." Edward replies.

I say nothing. There's nothing I can say. I don't want this, I don't want to be _better_. I like the way I am, or at least what I aim to be without their interference.

"I don't want this you know."

"I know. But one day...one day you'll thank me." Unlikely, I can't ever see myself thanking him for this. I'll never forgive him.

I tilt my head back, resting it on the headrest behind me. I'm tired, as if fighting has sapped all my strength. I feel like sleeping. There's no use fighting it now. I close my eyes and slowly drift off to sleep.

_He's there, again. Wearing the same clothes as before, wearing the same clothes as always. He's looking at me like I'm dirt, like I'm a bug on the floor. He's giving off this menacing vibe, a warning, a danger I've never felt before around him. _

_He looks at me and licks his lips. My heart flutters. Is he more attracted to my body or my blood? I've had this dream countless time and I know the ending but I'm still attracted to him. I want to run up and hug him, just because I'm so glad he's back, because I've missed him._

_He begins to approach me and whispers those words. Again. I try to retreat but I can't stop from hearing them._

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."  
"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

_My heart crumbles into a thousand pieces again. Those words, the ones I've heard a million times. The ones that hurt so much. I cry out._

_I look up and he's morphing, changing. His skin is becoming paler, his eyes darker, redder. Redder? My eyes dart to his mouth and I see his teeth. Sharp and pointy. Dangerous. I stare into his eyes and see a wicked glint. Oh no, not again._

"_...I never wanted you. I was just thirsty." He lunges at me. _

_I feel a sharp pain in my neck. I stumble backwards. I look up at Edward and there's blood trickling down the side of his mouth. The pain from the bite its nothing compared to the pain in my heart right now, he's hurt me so bad, I can't ever forgive those words._

"_Sweet, innocent, delicious Bella. Did you think you could out run me?" My heart freezes as he says those words. So much like James. And so true, those words._

_He lunges again and the pain intensifies. _

"_Bella." He moans, as he sucks on my neck, drawing more of my precious blood into his mouth. I'm going to die. I'm going to die at the hands of the man I loved. Love._

"_Bella." _

_The world is fading and becoming more blurry. I scream, hoping someone will find me. I hear him call out my name again. I scream. Please, don't let me die here, not like this, not at the hands of the man I love._

_I hear him call my name again but it doesn't sound so menacing this time, it almost sounds concerned, worried, like he actually cares._

I open my eyes. My breathing is too quick and I'm covered in sweat. I can see Edward watching me, a mixed expression of hurt and regret. Have I caused his pain? I almost feel guilty but then I remember the pain he has caused me; my nightmare was _about_ him. He is more to blame than I am.

"It was just a dream." I say.

"About me?" He asks.

I nod my head. There's no point lying, they probably all heard me talking in my sleep.

I look around and notice the car has stopped. Esme and Carlisle are watching us, hurt expressions on their faces as well. Great, now I've upset everyone. I wonder why we've stopped. I look around and realise we're at the hospital. No Forks Community Hospital, but Port Angeles. The Mental Health Centre. They think I'm crazy.

I stare up at the sign that welcomes us to the Peninsula Community Mental Health Center and my stomach lurches. They're not going to let me get away with anything here.


	8. Sister wont stop crying, she dying

**A/N: Thank-you to everyone who was supportive over the incident with my friend. It's nice to hear nice things. Also, I'm struggling on the next chapter, with Bella's psychiatrist, if anyone has any advice. **

"**And her sister won't stop crying, 'cause her father says she's dying." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy. **

"**And it frightens, because you're barely alive." **

**Jenny You're Barely Alive: Rilo Kiley.**

They've 'settled' me in my room and left me. Again. I wonder who's telling Charlie. I wonder what he's thinking, if anyone's telling Renée. I wonder if they told her last time, I never really had a chance to find out. She didn't email me so I guess they didn't either that or she's cut me off. I imagine if they had told her she'd be constantly nagging me, she'd be here at my bedside crying probably. Blaming herself? Or yelling at Charlie. Blaming him. Blaming me.

Would she blame Edward? I love him so much, even now. I hate the thought that any hurt, any pain should come to him. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I had hurt him. Am I hurting him now, causing him all this annoyance?

The walls are bland. Plain cream, no decorations, no frills, just a bed. There are no draws for clothes of a place to hide anything, just two shelves against the wall opposite your bed. They're supposed to be for storing clothes and any personal belongings according to the nurse who showed me around. Nowhere to hide anything, rooms are checked daily and there are cameras in every room apart from the bathroom and private bedrooms, but that doesn't mean privacy, there are no doors to the rooms, just open arch ways.

The nurse explained this to me, it meant I could do anything unsupervised, even in the privacy of my shared room, people could still see in. It also meant I couldn't look myself in or _be_ locked in. This wasn't a prison she told me, they didn't have cells. It was however, she told me, a _secure_ ward. To keep everyone safe. She added, in what I could have taken as a polite tone but instead took as a snarky tone, that if anyone couldn't cope on the main ward in their rooms, that they not only had a large communal room with eight beds next to the nurse's room for people who needed "overseeing" but they also had solitary rooms. And those _were_ locked.

The bathroom, and you could begin to hear the disdain seeping into her voice by this point, was open and shared, there were no private bathrooms, no razors or any sharp objects and they were banned for all patients, regardless of mental _disorder._

Finally she went on to explain eating. I could tell she'd saved the best for last, almost as if she enjoyed upsetting, what in her opinion, were mentally ill patients. Although since I'm on a psych ward, I guess I'd have to agree.

They haven't given me a feeding tube yet. It's not something I'm particularly looking forward to. The nurse explained they're giving me a period, normally 24 hours, to 'settle in' before they 'review' my treatment plan, which currently consists of an IV in my arm to re-hydrate me and 'intense counselling'. I'm not sure about the IV but I didn't want to be the girl that just freaks out about everything. That's not my style; I'm much more passive about things. At least I think I am.

It's all a load of rubbish to me. I'm not too thin, I don't need to eat, and there are size zero models out there that no one cares about. I've read Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan. Those girls are thinner than I can ever dream of being. They are so beautiful, so flawless. I wish that I could step through the pages of the magazine and be with them, be beautiful. But I can't. I'm fat and ugly and now I'm in a psych ward where they're telling me I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm the only sane one on this ward, including doctors. I'm the only one who _knows _that I'm fine, that I can and need to be thinner.

I lie back on my bed, there's nothing else much to do here. I might sleep for a bit, I'm still tired because I didn't sleep much in the car. Or at least the sleep was disturbed. I could ask the nurse for sleeping tablets but I don't think they'll give me anything. The nurse who signed me in said they do a two day detox for everyone in her, to clear their bodies of all the meds and drugs they misuse. Apparently you only get to keep life saving drugs, like heart meds or something. Or really strong psych meds, at the discretion of your psychiatrist. Mine said no apparently. The snarky nurse appeared delighted at this. I was tempted to hit her by this point.

I close my eyes and sink into the bed. I'm worn out and tired. Soon I'm asleep again.

**Alice POV**

I'm in the relative's room, on the sofa, curled up in Jasper's arms. I've been crying a lot even though vampires don't produce tears. Just dry sobbing into Jasper's shoulder. I can't believe she would do that, lie to us like that, I know we hurt her by leaving her but I can't believe that. I also can't believe how sick she is. Bella's life is literally in the balance. She might die.

We're waiting for Carlisle. We're waiting for what he has to say. He's helping sort the paperwork, signing away her freedom. Is it right to do this? To just sign anyway her freedom, her rights so callously.

Upon entering the mental health centre I was glad all of my memories of being committed, locked up everyday are gone. Was this what is was like for me? Everyone thinking I was sick, crazy. We're the nurses and doctors nice? Did I eat well? Was I at all happy? So many questions that I can't answer, that I can never answer. I hate being in this place. I hate the thought that we're leaving Bella here. I hate that we're leaving her at all, after last time.

I look up as Carlisle enters the room. Esme walks over to him and reaches out a comforting hand, we all know how hard this was for him.

Edward follows Carlisle into the room and slumps down in a chair in the corner, isolating himself from everyone else. Creating a space between us and him, almost as if he blames us...or maybe blames himself and doesn't want us to suffer with him.

"Bella is asleep now, she will be staying here for twenty eight days upon which time we will review her case. For now I think it's best everyone goes home."

"Carlisle..." I begin. I'm not sure what to say now, how to ask the question. _Will she live?_ It doesn't seem right to say. Should we change her now? Before she gets any worse. Edward lifts his head and just stares at me.

I try again.

"Carlisle...how bad is it." I look away, afraid of Edward's reaction, afraid of Carlisle's answer. I bury my face into Jasper's shoulder and he rubs my back soothingly.

"This is it Alice, if she doesn't change her ways, she will die, you have to prepare yourself for that." I let out a sob.

"But, can't you change her Carlisle." Asks Jasper, he knows me well enough to know my next question.

"Alice, her body is very weak and her heart is already strained. She may not survive it." I sob into Jasper's arms. She's going to die unless we can help her. And by helping her, it may kill her. The safest option is for her to get better herself. But I can't see that in her future. Something needs to change for that to happen.

"You five go home, take a car, Edward and I will stay here, I need to make sure the medical staff have everything they need, make sure Bella's settled in." Carlisle orders.

Everybody nods in agreement, getting up off of their seats and slowly exiting the room. I'm last to leave, Jasper supporting me all the way, he knows how hard this is for me, he doesn't need to feel it to know that. The door slams behind me and I can hear Carlisle and Edward whispering to each other frantically, deciding what the best course of treatment is, even though it isn't up to them anymore, the psychiatrist gets the final say.

He wants to stay. He thinks staying will make her better. We all know it's gone past that stage now.

**A/N: I used to go through magazine and cut out the pictures of the skinny models, admiring their painful thinness, forgetting how much they Photoshop those pics and forgetting that that girl was probably going to DIE soon. It's not smart, it's not cleaver, and you'll NEVER BE AS THIN AS YOU WANT TO BE so you might as well GIVE IN NOW and try to do something you CAN succeed in. **

"**I want to walk in the snow and leave no footprints."**

_"You... don't... want me?"  
"No..."_

I wake up with a start, turning in my bed staring out, wondering where I've ended up in this strange place I don't recognise. Then I remember. Edward left me. Again.

I look at the other bed across the room. I'll probably end up sharing with someone during my stay here. I hope she's nice and lefts me get away with stuff. Its light now, nurses milling about in the corridor. I sit up in my bed, still in the clothes I was wearing yesterday. This must be part of the "settling in" period they gave me. According to the snarky nurse they're pretty strict here. I sit there for a while just staring into space.

Carlisle comes into the room. I must have slept for while, I wonder if he stayed or went home. I wonder where the others are. Suddenly I remember Carlisle's profession. No This can't be good; he's wearing his white doctor's coat. That probably means he wants to stick needles in my or something. There's a weird look on his face, almost like regret. Oh no, that can't be a good sign of things to come.

"What's the time?" I ask.

"It's four in the afternoon Bella, you slept a while, until two." I try to think back to the time I was admitted. Will they start counting the twenty eight days from last night or this morning? Or maybe yesterday morning. Then I remember, how does he know when I woke up.

I wonder why Carlisle is here. It can't be good. He walks over to me and tries to reassure me. Fear begins to seep into my body, I have an overwhelming sense of dread, is this it, are they going to make me eat?

"I'm sorry Bella, I'm sorry about this, but you need help." Help, that can't be good...the last time I remember him looking so...guilty, he was shoving a feeding tube down my throat. No.

He senses my panic and reaches out to grab my wrists, to try and restrain me. He quickly lets go of one, at the same time securely holding the other, to grab a needle and syringe. He's going to sedate me. Carlisle, always so efficient, quickly injects the sedative into my arm. Immediately I begin to feel drowsy. I hate him right now for what he's doing to me.

"Bella, this is a mild sedative. You'll begin to feel a little sleepy, it's just to help with the procedure, we didn't want to have to use a general aesthetic for something simple?" I my head he's beginning to sound patronizing. I'm not sure if that's the drugs or not.

I struggle slightly as they bring in the trolley with all the equipment on it. I know what this is for, I've seen it before. I'm not match for Carlisle though, especially not with the sedative.

"No." I cry.

The nurse walks over to try and soothe me.

"I'm sorry honey but times up, you need food." She tries to calm me down but it's not working. I have another twenty seven days here and I put on so much during the first hospitalisation. I gained three pounds. If they keep me here for a whole month I'll put on at least half a stone. I'll be so fat. So much fat_ter_. I can't do it. I need to escape.

I can see the nurse move back down the bed as Carlisle shoots me a worried look. She coats the end of the tube in some sort of lubricant and passes it to Carlisle.

"Please be still Bella, I know it's not nice but if you struggle it will only make it worse." Should I struggle? What's the point. As Carlisle mentioned earlier, I don't stand a chance against them. What's the point fighting something if I'm going to lose anyway? And from experience it doesn't work, I've had this done to me before.

He moves the end of the tube up to my nose and starts to insert it. It's uncomfortable and it tickles to have something shoved up my nose. I resist a little but soon remember it's futile. The nurse holds on to my arm in both a soothing and restraining gesture. I can feel it as it moves down my throat and I gag, but it makes no difference.

When they're finished the nurse hooks it up to a machine. Great, now my life is in their hands. They can do what they like and I can't do a thing to stop them.

"Okay Bella, the feeding tube will provide you with the required nutrients and calories. I know its unpleasant but until you agree to eat properly well have to use this."

**A/N: I had them wait before giving Bella a feeding tube because it is important to let people recover themselves, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be help and while a feeding tube can make someone better physically it could also set them back mentally. Also I don't think patients are given sedatives to keep them calm, it's one of those things that would probably get them stuck off or something but I didn't want them to be physically holding her down, it didn't seem right.**

"**If I was beautiful like you, all the things I would do." **

**Beautiful: Joydrop.**

A new girl was brought in today. Wendy. They put her in my room. She's spent the last hour crying into the pillow. Saying nothing, she obviously doesn't was to be here. I know how she feels. There's already a feeding tube in here. It's not connected to anything at the moment, but you can see, every time she moves, the plastic tube that's taped to the side on her face. My guess from just looking at her is that she's been bumped to here after a short hospital stay. Either that or she has that tube down her throat long term. She's really thin. I know why they put her in here.

I don't want that to happen to me.

I sneak another look at her. She's still crying. I'm amazed by how thin she is, thinner than I could ever be. I want to be just like her. She has shoulder length jet black hair and the tiniest waist in the world. She is so beautiful compared to me.

I'm busy reading my book when suddenly I feel eyes burning into my skin. I look up and it's Wendy staring at me. Her eyes are really swollen and her face pale and drawn. It's the first time I've seen her face. It's beautiful, sharp bones poking out, dark hair and piercing brown eyes. I meet her gaze and wait for her to say something. Finally, just as I'm about to look away she begins to speak.

"I'll make you a deal Bella." I wonder how she knows my name. "We both want to get out, we both want to get thin, neither of us wants to get 'better'," She uses air quotes, to show her views on what their idea of better means to us, "you help me, and I'll you."

Sure, I'll jump at any chance to get help from her; she's been doing this so much longer and knows far more about it than me. And she's so thin. I can only ever dream of being like her.

"You help me steal a syringe when the nurses aren't looking and I'll tell you how to escape, this is your first offense after all." She smiles at her little joke.

"A syringe? What for?" I ask. Is she planning to drug me? Or kill herself?

"Get it for me and I'll show you."

"Where am I supposed to find a needle and syringe?" I ask.

"Follow me, I'll start screaming, they'll rush in to sedate me. When they unlock the drawer with the pre-loaded syringes full of those yummy sedatives they _love_ giving us, take one, I'll try to hold off for as long as possible but I don't want any sedatives in my veins."

I nod my head. "But where's the drawer." I ask.

She points to the nurses' station, her voice hushed. "See those drawers along the edge of the desk with number keypads on them, the kind you find on office doors etc." I nod my head. "The sedatives, the ones they'll try to use on me, are the third drawer from the end. Watch her type it in and either grab one before it closes or remember the code." She stops talking and takes a breath. I can tell she's been at this a long time.

I walk out into the hall and just as I reach the nurses' station an ear=splitting scream comes from behind me. For a second I turn around, wondering what is happening, but quickly I regain my concentration. I watch as the snarky nurse that I really don't like rushes out from behind the desk, quickly pressing the numbers, 5150. Hilarious. I don't like that woman.

As soon as she goes I check that no one is looking and then type the code and grab a needle, hiding it up my sleeve. Almost immediately the screaming stops.

"Sorry." I hear Wendy smirk. "I just wanted to test your buttons."

"I could always jab you with this anyway." She hisses back, suddenly I'm scared for both of us.

"I think you'd find that would be against my constitutional rights as 'unnecessary' medicine. Right Bella." She yells the last two words and I walk in the room, still hiding the syringe.

Nurse Snarky stomps out.

I turn to face Wendy.

"Now what." I ask her.

"Now I tell you how to escape. Do all the tricks you did before, but pretend to eat, eat a little, remember gain a little now and escape quicker or gain a lot in the long run. Second, before weigh in drink water, half a litre this week, a whole litre next time and so on, it tricks them into thinking you're gaining weight, and finally the best tip of all" she smiles "Act like you're happy, like you really want to get out, get healthy, that you've had a change of heart, that this was just a silly phase and you're all better now."

She waits expectantly.

"That's genius."

"I know." She replies. "Now give me that syringe and I'll show you why I want it."

She takes the cap off the syringe and walks over to her banana bag which is attached to a feeding tube that goes up her nose and into her stomach and stabs the needle into the top of the bag, just above when the liquid stops. She then pulls back the end of the syringe, drawing the calorific liquid back out. She looks over to me and offers me an explanation.

"If I take out the feeding tube, they'll know because I can't get it back in on my own. By sucking out the liquid it looks like I've had it when I haven't. The holes are above the liquid so it won't leak." Wow, she is smart.

**A/N: Please, please don't try this at home****. THIS DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK****. It's not good and doesn't actually work; it's fiction so it doesn't have to work in real life, it's just a story. And it will cause an air bubble if you doing it wrong (or even rights) which ****WILL KILL YOU ****if the tube goes into your veins.****There's a reason those bags are sealed and air tight. Google it if you don't believe me. **

**For Wendy its shouldn't matter (I'm not a doctor) because you already have air in your stomach, and putting air down the feeding tube is one way to check it's in place, but I'm not a doctor so don't try it out in case it DOESN'T work. Please.**


	9. Says she’s really tryinglying

A/N: Would people like for Wendy to have a happy ending, and if so, Werewolf, human or Vampire, choices are limited to unpaired characters unless you'd like another made-up one. Any thoughts?

Also, I have a beta, so if there are any mistakes, blame her. Also blame her for the lateness as this was written three days ago...

**And finally, I only have a couple thousand more words to write, but after that I'll probably start writing ONE SHOTS in Edwards POV and others', are there any particular scenes people want to see?**

"**Sophie says she's really trying, problem is, Sophie's lying." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy. **

**Week 2****  
**

"**Anyone can have **_**inner beauty**_** but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out."**

I sit opposite my psychiatrist. She's a kind lady, all warm and motherly, a lot like Esme. If we weren't in this situation I'm sure I'd like her. I haven't spoken to her in any of my previous visits so I'm a little worried she'll see through my lies, despite what Wendy says. _Everyone believes what they want to believe. _It's the same psychiatrist I saw at Forks, when I went there the first time. Before Edward came back and destroy everything all over again. Why does he seem to have this ability to walk into my life and destroy _everything?_

_My first hospital visit, during the first stay, before Edward arrived. I'm wheeled into the room by an orderly; still under the effects of the "mild sedative" they had given me, and my near death experience. She has piercing blue eyes and she never shouts, she never raises her voice. _

I walk over to the chair opposite her and fall back into it, letting my shoes fall off and pull my feet up underneath me. I turn to face her plastering a fake smile on my face. Am I fooling her or does she see right through me?

_Unlike everyone else, she never seems to fake a smile, as if by not smiling she's being honest with me. _

"How are you feeling today?"

"_How are you feeling today, Bella?" I stare blankly at her, ager welling up inside me. I hate this woman. Why is she here? Why am _I_ here? There's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine._

"_So, Bella...You were brought in by Dr Cullen after he restarted your heart, you are very sick." I say nothing. There's no way this woman is going to extract anything from me. I hate her purely on principle. She's doing this to me, she's keeping me here. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of letting her know ANYTHING._

"Better, thank-you." I parrot out the lines Wendy had me memorising all through the night. "I think the long term starvation and lack of vitamins began to interfere with my ability to think clearly, I can see now that it was wrong." Perfect, word for word.

She smiles.

"Well that's great Bella that you're making progress, acceptance is the first step towards health."

I nod my head in "agreement". This is going better than I planned, she already believes me. I can't believe it worked, I don't need to fake a smile; I'm going to escape.

"So, Bella," She leans back in her chair, hand clutched around a biro, a notepad clutched to her lap. "What happened, why did you wake-up one day and decide that _this_ was what you wanted." She presses the tip of the pen to the paper and stares at me intently. I'm not sure what to say.

"_So, when did this start?" She knows the answer. They all know. Does she get some sick twisted pleasure out of making me say it? I ignore her._

"_It says here, in your notes, that you took a downward turn after your boyfriend and his family left." She obviously thinks I'm a stupid bimbo, pinning after a guy who doesn't care. Maybe she's right. I stare at the fat on my thigh and begin twisting my foot. Fidgeting burns a few calories, a great way to secretly exercise if you're being watched. _

_She reaches out a hand and places it on my leg. "Bella, are you nervous, scared?" I bite back a laugh. After James nothing seems scary. And there's nothing scarier than losing the one person you love. Loved?_

"_Bella, what would you say if Edward walked in this room, right now?" I try not to flinch at the sound of his name. Someone's been telling tales, how else would she know his name? I continue ignoring her. What would I say? Would I beg for another chance, cry. Would I tell him I love him? Hate him?_

"My boyfriend left." My voice is flat and monotone. "He left me. I thought we'd be together forever." _Forever_-forever, eternally. My voice breaks on the last word and I duck my head down to shield me from the tears, my hair creating a curtain between me and her.

"Now, Bella, it's okay to cry, we all do it. The main thing is that you're opening up, you're accepting what happened, and who knows; maybe in the future you'll find someone else." No one will ever be as good as Edward, no one can replace him.

_He left me. He left me. He left me. "Bella?" He left me. "Bella, are you listening?" He left me. He left me. "Bella...? Maybe it's time you went back to your room."_

I look up at her, time to earn an Oscar.

"Thank you Dr Madigan, it really means a lot that you're here to help me; that everyone's here to help me." She smiles reassuringly.

"Okay, now I have a copy of your meal plan from your nutritionist, if you are agreeing to eat..." I nod my head vigorously. _Remember Bella, they believe what they want to believe. _"Three main meals, three snacks." Oh no, what am I agreeing to? Wait, remember what Wendy said, just pretend to do it, you don't actually have to, just enough to escape. She leans forward in her chair. "Well then Bella, it looks like we can remove that feeding tube. You'll be out of here soon enough anyway." Not soon enough for me.

"I promise I'll try." I fake another smile. She eats up my lies like candy.

"You can return to your room Bella, good luck." She smiles, again. Good luck, I'm going to need it. I can't believe I've just pulled off this Oscar worthy act of deception. How does she swallow up these lies when she's a psychologist? Surely she's used to liars? Then again, if Wendy hadn't offered me this advice I would have never thought to do it, I would have resisted all the way, so maybe the therapist thinks the same.

Whatever the reason I'm glad; as long as Wendy keeps giving me advice I should be out of her in no time.

"**You can never be too rich or too thin."**

It's visiting hours, I guess Alice picked the short straw. Either that or she's finally gone mad; I can't imagine she'd be all that excited to be back in an asylum, even if she's not a resident. No Jasper. It's weird seeing her without him, almost as if they're super-glued together, with an unbreakable bond.

We sit across the plastic table, in silence. I'm not sure how to start a conversation. How do I fake it with Alice? _"Remember Bella, people only see what they want to see."_

I fake a smile at Alice and lean back in my chair, faking a casual, relaxed posture, one I've spent time copying from Wendy. A lot of time. It's like, in a weird way she wants me to do well, to get out of here. And yet, sometime I feel she's using me, to get what she wants.

I remember Wendy's advice, _"Start the conversation with a compliment, like 'hey, you look good' or some rubbish like that, people eat that junk up."_

"So, Alice, you look...good." Immediately her face lights up.

"Why, thank-you Bella, you look good too!" She's bouncing up and down? How is it that she has so much energy?

"Mmm-hmm." I try to make myself sound upbeat as well as non-committal.

"Edward misses you...He missed you when we were gone." She whispers. A wave of pain stabs through me and I flash-back to an earlier conversation.

"_It's been almost a century that Edward's been alone. Now he's found you. You can't see the changes that we see, we who have been with him for so long. Do you think any of us want to look into his eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you?" _

I rush back to the present in as much pain as before, why did she say that, why did she tell me those lies, I don't understand the point of it all? What purpose did it serve to lie to me?

"_I will always tell you the truth."_

What a load of rubbish.

I think back to Wendy's advice _"Rule Two; distraction. People love talking about themselves. Ask questions." _

"Alice, why did you leave, surely you would have seen this." I already know the answers though.

"_Some things are more certain than others… like the weather. People are harder. I only see the course they're on while they're on it. Once they change their minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future shifts."_

Her face crumples. "Oh Bella, I wish I'd seen this, I could have done something...but Edward...Edward told us to 'stay away', he told me not to look." She breaks off. What isn't she telling me? "When I got that vision, a small girl, impossibly tiny, impossibly thin, pale." I can see the pain in her eyes as she remembers, "Long brown hair dripping down her back, bones poking out, shoulder blades almost piercing the skin. I didn't know if it was another vampire joining us or what, I didn't think for one minute it was you, the person, thing I saw, it wasn't alive. You were dead, and that scared me. I remember watching you stumble and that's when I realised it was you, I've never been so scared."

I feel sorry for putting her through this. I know I've hurt Alice somewhere along the way, even though I never meant to, somehow the pain I caused wasn't just limited to myself.

Suddenly her face changes, a twinge of amusement flickers across it.

"You know Bella; I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy."

I smile at her, what a joke, I'm not in any danger; this is a lifestyle choice like Vegetarianism, not a disease.

"I promise Alice, I'll get better." Lies. I can't seem to stop, but Wendy's advice tells me to, I know it's wrong to lie to Alice, my once best friend, and yet...I'd rather be thin than her friend. She left me.

"I'm so glad, Bella. We love you. I'd hate for anything to happen." _I'm sure. _"I glad you finally realised this was wrong."

"I know Alice, I know, I finally realised." _How do they eat up this rubbish? Wendy was right. People will believe what they want to believe. There's no changing that._

"I hope we can be best friends again someday Bella." Yeah, me too, except I need a best friend who's there for me, someone like Wendy.

The bell rings, symbolising end of visiting hours and the beginning of lunch. I smile, I'm glad Alice is going, I couldn't fake happy for much longer and I need to find Wendy.

"Well, I guess I'll see you soon." I say, trying to keep the delight out of my voice.

"Actually Bella, I'm staying for lunch, Carlisle managed to persuade the people here to let me." Oh great, fan_tastic._ I try not to let the sarcasm out.

"Wow, that's...great."

"I know, right?" She's too full of herself. Shouldn't she be all freaked out, being back in an asylum?

"But, won't they notice you're not eating?" _Anything to get me out of this._ She shakes her head.

"Oh no Bella, Carlisle told them I have food allergies and that I would have something later." I nod my head, shocked. _They've thought of everything._

**A/N: All of those italic flashbacks about Alice are from TWILIGHT although the last quote, not in italics is from the end of NM. Also notice her increasing depend on Wendy (Edward and ED before).**

"**Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there is no one else to blame." Breathe Me: Sia.**

"Well, in that case, I'm going to go find Wendy and see if she wants to join us." I try to sound happy even though I'm freaking. I'm going to have to eat in front of her. I'm going to get even fatter. So fat that I can't even fit though door frames, I'll be stuck in here forever.

I quickly find Wendy in our room, panicking and nearly hysterical by this point. She's quick to reassure me.

"Chill Bella, eat the food and throw it up; simple. Just be sure to do it quickly after, and try to stick to soft food like boiled vegetables and lots of water. You've done this before haven't you?"

I nod my head. No, this isn't my first time.

"Then what's the problem?" she asks. I'm calmed down by her words, I've done this before, eaten in front of people just to appease them.

She smiles.

"Now I need you to do something, I need another syringe from the nurse's station, you good for 3'o'clock?"

I nod my head and smile. She's still on drip food until she's an "acceptable" weight because she's been here so many times now they know to worry about her physical health first; her mental health is a battle they probably won't win, so they don't really bother. They just patch her up and wait for her to come back.

"Now let's go meet this Alice." Her eyes twinkle with mischievousness. Suddenly I realise, I'll be the only one eating. "Chill 'Ella, I'll keep her distracted." Wow, it's like she can read my mind.

***

When I come back into the dining room, Alice is already waiting for me, a bright smile on her face.

Nurse Snarky comes over to us, "It's good to see you joining us today, Wendy. I hope this is a sign of things to come." She says in the bitter, gloating voice of hers.

Wendy fake-smiles her, "Well, _I _just wanted to be here for Bella. My _best _friend." She shoots Alice an evil glare and I'm so grateful to her, being here for me. When no one else is, and she sticks up for me, she helps me. I'm eternally grateful to her.

I can see everyone go to line up to get their food from the stern looking woman at the front of the hall. It's just like any school cafeteria. Except for the bars on the windows. Just like being at school.

_I sit on their table. Common sense tells me to move, to go sit somewhere else, anywhere else, that sitting here, on my own at an empty table, not eating, can't be good for me. And yet I continue to do it. There's something about this table that pulls me in, traps me. As if being here, sitting in the same seat I used to...it's as if they're still here. With me._

_And besides, no one ever noticed that the Cullens didn't eat. No one will care enough to notice me._

"_Hey Bella, come sit with us." Mike. Always so keen, even though he's with Jessica now. _

"_She wants to sit with her 'boyfriend'." whispers Lauren cruelly and Jessica shushes her. My eyes begin to tear and I push back my seat, grabbing my bag and running out of the room, leaving my un-eaten lunch behind. I keep running until I reach the bathroom and I rush into a cubicle and lock the door. I slide down the wall and collapse on the floor, sobbing hysterically. _

_I feel sick, fat and ugly. No wonder Edward left. No wonder the whole family left, when they're all so beautiful. And I'm not. _

That's the first time I did it. Sitting there, in that bathroom. It's the first time I made myself throw up. It felt good. So good afterwards. It was like having a new sheet, for a few days, a few hours. It made things just that little bit better. As if all, just in that moment, things might actually be alright.

"Well, I guess it's time for me to go get my food." I slide back my chair when I crash into something. I look around and it's nurse Snarky, my favourite person.

"Where are you going Bella?" Asks nurse Snarky in that patronising voice.

"To get my food?" I ask unsure. She laughs at me.

"Bella, we bring _you _the food. To make sure you eat it."

"Oh...thanks?" It's hard to stay upbeat and fake-happy around her.

She slides a glass down in front of me.

"What's this?" I ask her. I thought they wanted me to eat.

Instead of Snarky its Wendy who replies. "Ensure. 400ml, three times a day brings your required calorie intake up to approximately 1200. Ensure is roughly 1 calorie per ml. It's basically what they drip feed you, but being liquid it's easier to digest. Normally they warm it slightly because food and liquid are easier to digest when they're warm, or at least it tricks your brain into thinking you can eat more."

"Very good Wendy." Replies Snarky in that patronising voice. "If only you could follow those instructions yourself." She glares at Wendy and strides away. I hate that woman.

I stare at the repulsive looking liquid. I don't want to drink it. I turn to look at Wendy and she smiles at me, genuinely. She hasn't steered me wrong so far, I have to trust her.

I take a sip of the liquid. It takes all my willpower to swallow.

Wendy rubs my back.

"Good girl, Honey."

***

I excuse myself and rush to the bathroom, how long has it been? Five minutes since I finished, twenty since I started, I have to get that food out of my system quickly. It's already too late. I can feel the calories seeping into my blood stream, the fat already accumulating on my thighs, my stomach. I'm ballooning out.

I don't bother locking the door to the bathroom as I collapse onto the floor of the bathroom and vomit into the bowl. Relief and endorphins rush through my body. It feels so good.

Suddenly I'm aware of a breeze behind me. I turn around slowly, afraid of seeing nurse Snarky, and of what she would do to me.

It's worse.

I look up into the very shocked face of Alice.

**A/N: That thing about warm food is true, if you're recovering drinking lukewarm water is easier to drink than ice cold water. Etc. The body finds it easier to take things in when they near body temperature. **


	10. How did she get this way trying to hide

**A/N Okay, so the next chapter is the last chapter, remember if you have any scenes you want re-written from another POV, to let me know. **

"**How did she get this way? How did she get this way? Through trying to hide it." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy. **

**Week 3**

"**I'm not starving myself. I'm perfecting my emptiness."**

"I thought you looked a little ill." She whispers. Her voice holds no humour or excitement now.

It's weird seeing her without a trace of excitement or not bouncy around. I thought it would take something catastrophic to stop her bounciness. I can't understand why she's so freaked about this. What does it matter to her what I do, what does it matter to anyone what I do. They don't care. No one cares. Except Wendy. She helps me. She's always there for me. She's better than they ever were. She won't just leave me.

We both stand frozen for a few seconds. It's as if time itself has come to a stop, a moment of perfect clarity. In this moment I can see that what I'm doing is wrong, but somehow at the same time, right. I need to do it, it's as if by doing this, somehow things will eventually work out, as if my friendship with Wendy will somehow pull me through.

Alice comes to life first and storms out of the bathroom. I scurry after her, afraid of her telling somebody. She can't tell, she can't let them know, people can't find out what I did, if they know they won't let me do it anymore. They'll stop me. I can't let her do that. I have to stop her. I have to make her see sense.

"Alice, it isn't what you think." I scurry after her. I have to stop her, I have to.

She keeps walking. Where's she going? Is she going to tell someone? I have to stop her.

"Alice."

She ignores me. I catch up and reach out a hand. As soon and I touch her she whirls round. I'm suddenly afraid, the expression on her face is pure anger and for a second I'm afraid that that anger will be directed at me. Would she hurt me? Alice?

She turns to face me. "How is it _not _what I think_? _It's _exactly _what I think." She hisses. "You have an eating disorder; you were throwing up, what part of that isn't true?"

"Well..." _None of it, it's all true, she caught me..._My secret is out now.

***

"I could change you." She whispers.

"Would I be thin?" I ask.

"Beautiful." She whispers.

I don't know why we entertain this fantasy. We both know she would never change me. Edward would never allow it. He'd stop her.

"What happened to Wendy?" I ask.

"Huh?"

"Wendy? The girl we sat with at lunch. She was supposed to help me."

Comprehension dawns in her eyes. Should I have revealed my accomplice so early? Or should I have kept her hidden, my secret weapon. It's so late now for regrets. There's nothing I can do but move forward.

"_Wendy._" She hisses the name, the way a person would say _Stalin_ or_ Hitler_. I'm confused, Wendy hasn't done anything wrong. She helped me.

"What happened to her?" Alice's perfect features form a frown. It doesn't quite look right on her.

"When I tried to follow you she started screaming. The nurses took her away." Uh-oh, they probably sedated her. She'll be mad now. Will she forgive me? _Will she be okay?_ So many questions without answers. I should be going to find her instead of dealing with Alice.

"She's my best friend." I whisper, and watch as Alice's face crumples up. _Good, now she feels bad like I did_. When she left, they all left. I was _alone._ With no one else there for me. She has Jasper, she has her whole family.

"Friend? _Friend?_ She's killing you! You _died _Bella! Dead!" Her voice is beginning to rise in volume.

"I know." I reply. "But at least I'll look pretty in my coffin." A dark look crosses her face. Almost...angry.

"You know I have to tell, right?" She asks, sadly. _Why? Why does she have to tell_? I'm fine as I am, I'm happy. Just another week of faking it and I'm free. I can't let them keep me any longer, I can't risk it.

"Why? Can't you just let me be? What harm am I doing?"

"You're _killing_ yourself." She whispers angrily. "You can't even see it!"

She turns away and I put out a hand to stop her leaving, to stop her telling. I know I won't be able to stop her but I have to try, I have to try and make her see reason.

"Please...Alice, I'm not doing anything wrong, it's my life...if James had killed me..."

"Bella!" She hisses angrily, "We _saved_ your life for a reason. We want you to live." _Edward wants me to live._

She tries to leave again and I reach out my hand to stop her. I can't let her tell. I have to stop her, by any means necessary.

"Alice. I can't let you do this."

"Oh? And what are you going to do about it? Even if I was _human_ you'd be too weak to stop me!"

"Alice...please!" I beg, but it's no use. She's mad now. All I've done is make her angry. This isn't going to end well for me.

She storms off, quicker than I can possibly manage; her vampire speed too much for me.

I give in. I crumple down onto the floor, sliding down the wall. It's all ruined now. Alice has ruined everything. It's no use fighting now.

Part of me tells me to run, to find Wendy. To ask her advice. Wendy would know what to do. But I know there's no point. She can't help me now. Somehow I don't think Wendy can find a way to work a solution here, it's too late. I have to suffer the consequences now. I fold my knees up and rest my head on my arms.

I wish I'd never woken up. I wish Alice had never come back. I wish that they had just left me. _Or never gone in the first place._

Heavy footsteps fill the corridor. _This is it, they're coming for me_. Coming to stop me. Coming to make sure I eat '_properly'. _

_By their rules._

I can't believe Alice sold me out like this. I can't believe she's done this to me.

The footsteps approach me and stop. And hand touches my arm and I lift my head to meet their eyes.

It's Carlisle. How did he get here so fast?

"Bella?" I look away, ashamed at what they caught me doing.

"Bella honey?" Alice. I can't believe she told. How could she do this?

Suddenly I feel a sharp prick in my arm. I turn my head and catch Carlisle passing an empty needle to a nurse, one I don't recognise.

"I'm sorry Bella. It's so help you relax while we get you sorted." The world begins to blur and as I turn my head I catch the sight of Dr Madigan, my psychiatrist, hovering in the corner, with a worried look on her face.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, but my speech is slurred.

The world tilts and I fall under.

"**Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."**

Slowly I begin to make my way back to consciousness. I'm lying on my bed, in a brightly lit room. It isn't my own. I look around and see other beds, only a few occupied. Great, I'm in the communal ward next to the nurses' Station. So they can 'oversee' me. I look to see if Wendy is in any of the beds but I can't see her, which must mean they let her stay in her own room.

Suddenly I'm aware of something in my throat. I cough, trying to get it up, before realising they've put the feeding tube back in. Oh no, how long have I been out? I glance at the bag hanging above me head to find it half empty. Four hours?

Frantically I start ripping at the feeding tube. I grab hold of the end of it and scratch away the tape holding it in place. Scratching and pulling frantically. The girl in the bed next to me, with banded wrists restrained to the bed, begins to yell for help.

It's too late. I grab hold of feeding tube and pull, gagging as it comes back up, hysterically pulling, scratching.

I'm aware of gasps and shouts and suddenly an alarm bell fills the room but I'm too hysterical to really notice.

Two hands reach out and grab me. I already have the feeding tube out, but now I'm sobbing hysterically, too out of control to calm down.

I'm being held to the bed by the strange nurse as I hear another set of footsteps approach. I thrash wildly on the bed, afraid of them inserting another feeding tube.

I hear the sound of more footsteps.

"We can't keep her unconscious forever, it's a violation of patient rights, we can keep putting the feeding tube back in but if she keeps ripping it out the damage to her throat could have serious consequences. I also don't want to put it straight back in for the same reason. We'll leave her overnight and put it back in, in the morning, using sedation if necessary. I suggest twenty-four hour watch, can you arrange that?" The nurse nods her head. She must be the ward sister. "Bella?" She whispers to me. "We're going to leave the restraints on until tomorrow morning, and see where we go from there, okay?" I continue to ignore her. "I'm going to give you another stronger sedative now to help you sleep and I'll see you in the morning." I try to resist but it's useless. I'm still weak from the sedative they gave me to 'calm me down'.

"_Call Dr Cullen and see if he'll come and see her tomorrow. Maybe he can persuade her to keep it in."_

***

It's morning now. They put the feeding tube back in. There wasn't anything I could do. They gave me a mild sedative and besides, I was restrained to the bed. Wendy came to visit. She told me to go with it, accept the feeding tube or whatever because I've only got another week after this and if I resist, they'll only keep me here longer.

I stopped listening to her. I've stopped eating and accepting treatment willingly; against her advice. I know they're not going to let me go now, but I refuse to let them feed me willingly. I can't do it. It goes against everything I believe in.

I'm just lying her now, trying to plot a way to escape.

Dr Madigan enters the room.

"Hello Bella, it's good to see you. How are you feeling today?"

I ignore her. I hate that woman. Why is she doing this to me?

"Okay Bella, I'm going to remove the restraints now, so you can have a little walk with me. Your feeding bag is empty so I'll disconnect it, but I'll leave the tube in okay?"

I don't look at her.

"Bella, if I remove the restraints you have to promise not to try to take out the feeding tube again."

I still ignore her, but she releases the restraints anyway. She reaches up and disconnects the feeding tube and passes it to a nurse standing behind her.

"Let's get your dressing gown on okay?"

I slide to the edge of the bed and she helps me pull on my dressing gown. I slide on sliders and slowly stand up, dizzy at being upright after lying down so long.

"Are you okay?" She asks. I nod my head.

We walk outside the room and begin to walk down the corridor towards the locked doors. She takes out a swipe card and flashes it against the electronic lock. It flashes green and the doors open.

"I thought you'd appreciate some fresh air, you're entitled to an hour a day of fresh air and exercise, I thought we'd merge it with our session. It's nice to have a change of scene."

**A/N: Remember for UK psych holds: Section Four = 72 hours, Section Two = 28 days, Section Three = Up to 6 months.**

"**Quod me ****nutrit****, me ****destruit****." **

**Translation: What nourishes me, also destroys me.**

"So Bella, this is the garden." I stay silent, sulking, "If you behave you get visits here."

"So why am I here? I haven't exactly been on my best behaviour."

"I thought you'd like to know for future reference." She replies sweetly. So much like Esme.

"I'm only here for another week. I'm _counting the days._" I stress the last sentence.

There's an awkward pause.

"Actually Bella, we reassessed your condition. We've decided to keep you for a longer, unspecified time."

What? They can't do that can they? Just because of one little slip.

"What?_ Why?_" I know my voice sounds whiney but I'm desperate.

"Bella, since the incident at lunch you've resisted all treatment and we can't help but feel any previous efforts lacked commitment."

_Commitment_. I'm _committed_ to being thin.

_No_. They can't do this! They can't keep me against my will! It's my body, I can do what I like to it. I have to find Wendy. I have to ask for advice, I have to...I have to...

Black spots begin to dance in front of my eyes.

"Bella calm down. You're hyperventilating."

My breathing is speeding up, becoming out of control. I'm hysterical.

"Bella. Calm down."

I can hear the sounds of people approaching. Are they going to sedate me again? Force more vile liquid down my throat? Make me fat?

I start ripping at the tube left in my throat.

"No Bella!" I can feel hands try to restrain me and I resist against them, trying to shake them off.

"_Bella!"_ Alice? Am I hallucinating?

Suddenly a tight pain grips my chest. I bring my hand up and grasp it to me as if it can, in some way it will ease the clenching pain in my chest.

"_Carlisle, it's bad. This is it."_ The voice is familiar. I've heard it before, the same panicked tone. When?

Alice. When James attacked. When I was dying. Oh no, is this it? Am I finally getting my wish? Is this really what I want?

More Black spots appear in front of my eyes as I feel the world beginning to tilt. Is this it? Is this finally it?

I'm aware of shouting around me but it's all so distorted. Buzzing fills my ears. I'm dying. I try to rub away the pain in my chest but instead I find myself landing on wet grass. How did I get here?

_Bella, Bella...please, you can't die. Bella, I love you._ Edward? When did he get here? Oh no, are they all here? Are they all here to see this, my demise?

_Edward I love you._

Darkness claims me.

**Edward POV**

I can't believe Bella's being so stupid, I get that we left but I thought that when we came back everything would be better, everything would be back to normal. I thought she'd forgive us, I never thought she'd turn against Alice, And this new best friend. Wendy? She seems so horrible. I would do anything to keep her away from Bella.

Suddenly Alice's thoughts interrupt me.

_There's a wide open garden. It's covered in flowers and trees and benches. I focus in on a small girl and a Doctor. Suddenly I realise I'm at the hospital. Why is Alice having a vision of Bella? The doctor and Bella talk for a bit. She looks so sick, thin. How did no one see this before now? She's dying and no one realised. This is my fault for leaving. There's a feeding tube taped to the side of her face. Carlisle says that after Alice's visit she completely shut down, she won't even pretend to try any more. Suddenly I focus back in on Bella as she begins to scream and scratch at her face. The doctor puts tries to calm her but its having no effect. Suddenly she clutches her chest and crumples to the ground. I've seen this before. Last time. Can we save her again or is it too late? Nurses and doctors rush out of the hospital. She must have some sort of panic alarm or something. Someone's dragging a portable defibrillator. I already know. It's too late. Bella's gone._

The vision ends and I quickly rush to find Alice.

"How long have we got?" I ask her.

"Thirty minutes maximum."

"But Forks is over an hour away by car, we couldn't make it in time even if we ran."

Carlisle comes into the room at the sound of our raised voices followed by Jasper who walks over to his wife.

"Alice, what is it?" He asks.

"Bella, she's going to die."

"How long have we got?" Asks Carlisle.

"Less than thirty minutes."

Emmett and Rosalie enter the room followed by Esme, with a worried look on her face. She must have heard us. She looks really scared. I don't think she could cope with losing another child.

Carlisle throws a set of car keys at Emmett.

"You four take the Porsche; we'll go in my car."

I slide into the back of Carlisle's Mercedes; Esme goes in the passenger seat.

It takes us twenty five minutes to get to the hospital at Carlisle's speed.

I jump out of the car and start running towards the garden at the back of the hospital. Is it too late? Is it too late already? Is she dead or can we save her.

As I turn the corner I watch, painfully as Bella crumples to the ground.

"CARLISLE!" I yell.

I manage to make it to Bella's side pretty quickly. She's cold and still in my arms. Dr Madigan tries to pull me away but I shake her off.

Carlisle knees down on the other side of Bella and grabs the defibrillator.

"Edward, start bagging." He tells me.

I grab the bag and place it over Bella's mouth and nose. I squeeze it firmly and watch as her chest rises and falls.

"Again." I squeeze it again and watch as her chest rises. It's almost like she's breathing,

I lift the bag away from her mouth and watch as Carlisle places two leads to her chest, one on the top right of her chest and the other on her bottom left. He shocks her and I watch as her whole body shakes. He places two fingers to her neck, purely for show, none of us can hear a heartbeat. He shocks her again. He reaches out and feels for a pulse again. Nothing.

He nods his head at me and I give her two more artificial breaths.

Carlisle shocks her again.

_Thump. _

He reaches out to feel for a pulse.

_Thump. Thump. _

I smile and let out a hysterical laugh. She's alive!

Carlisle looks at me sadly.

"Edward, we haven't saved her. I'm going to run an ultrasound on her heart but if I'm correct the heart damage from severe anorexia is not only irreparable but bad enough to stop her heart, again. "He turns to the others. "We need to consider our options here. I think it's best someone calls Charlie to come say goodbye."

**A/N: If you want any scenes re-written in other people's POV or if you want a few ONE SHOTS about what happens with Wendy let me know.**


	11. What does it take to say, she’s dying

LAST CHAPTER.

**FIRST AN A/N: ****PLEASE**** READ THE AUTHORS NOTE AT THE BOTTOM AS WELL.**

**There will be ****no sequel**** or anything. I generally don't like sequels and I'm not sure where this would go anyway. I might right a ONE SHOT with Wendy but otherwise that's it. I am RE-WRITING scenes from Edward and other people's POV if anyone has any they particularly want to see.**

"**What does it take to say, what does it take to say, she's dying, Sophie's dying." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy. **

**Week 4**

"**Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."**

**Charlie POV**

I'm watching the football when the phone rings. I'm not expecting any calls but I jump up anyway. It might be Bella or the hospital. Anything could have happened to her. I know Alice was visiting again today. She somehow managed to persuade all her teachers to let her have the day off.

I pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Charlie?" Ask the voice on the other end. "It's Esme."

Suddenly I'm thrown into panic mode. "What happened?"

"You need to come to the hospital. Her heart gave out. You need to come say goodbye."

I let out a sob. My baby girl's dying. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. She's not supposed to die first.

"I'm on my way."

**Edward POV**

Charlie's sitting in with Bella. They haven't been able to get hold of Renée yet. Her mobile must be dead. Bella always aid she was no good with technology. They have her attached to all kinds of machines. The other doctors want him to switch of her life support machines but Carlisle persuaded him not to, although it didn't take much effort.

We're sitting in the family room now, discussing what to do, No asking Bella for her opinion because she's too weak to give it. They have her sedated.

"Her body's too weak to change her really. We could risk it because she's going to die anyway but...the decision is yours Edward. I have her on a ventilator to keep her breathing and we can keep shocking her heart but it's too late now to save her. We can keep her alive with machines but while her brain still works her body is simply too weak to cope." Carlisle tells me.

"Can't we get her a new heart?" Asks Alice.

Carlisle shakes his head. "The transplant committee won't give a transplant to anyone with an eating disorder, or anyone who they feel will misuse a new organ, because they feel that if they won't take care of a new organ they don't deserve it."

"That's horrible." Cries Alice.

"I know, but there aren't enough organs for everyone and they feel they should go to the people who most deserve them."

"What about all those murderers?" Asks Emmett, "Surely Bella deserves it more than them."

"We could take one." Whispers Jasper darkly. Everyone turns to stare at him.

"No. Besides even if you found someone of the same blood and tissue type, Bella's too weak for an operation. And it's immoral"

"She's dying, she's really dying." I whisper. They have her sedated. Attached to all kinds of machines.

"You have to change her Edward. It's what she wanted. It's what we promised the Volturi." Cries Alice.

"I know." I whisper.

"Do we tell Charlie?" Asks Emmett.

There's quiet for a minute. "Yes." Says Carlisle. "We'll tell him before we do it."

"What about the wolves?" Asks Jasper. Always prepared to fight.

"We'll have to talk to them, show them that his is Charlie's only daughter and that she's dying, Maybe they'll respond to that,"

***

Jacob, Quil and Embry. Are sitting on the other side of the room. Carlisle is sitting next to me and the others are all hovering around the edges of the room.

This is it. This is where we decide whether Bella dies or whether we can save her...sort of. If the wolves agree we'll change her. Into a vampire....what she always wanted. If they refuse...

We'll probably do it anyway.

"Quil, Embry, can we talk to Jacob alone? Bella's down the hall if you want to wait in there, her friend Wendy's in there right now but I'm sure she won't mind. "

They begrudgingly leave the room after Jacob's agreement. This will be easier without his friends distracting us. The rest of my family follow, leaving only Jacob and myself.

"Jake, Bella is everything to Charlie, I thought Charlie and Billy were friends, can't you see how much this would hurt him, can't you imagine how much it would hurt for Charlie to lose you?"

He bows his head.

"It's not that easy. It's_ wrong._" He growls.

"Jake, please...this is Charlie."

He contemplates it for a minute.

"Fine. For Charlie. But if she kills anyone we will tear apart every last one of you."

I smile.

"Thank you Jacob. Thank you so much."

I rush out of the room to give the others the good news. We can do it, we can save her. As much as I didn't want this for her, as much as I wanted her to live a long and happy life, this is the better option. I can't let her die, not now. Not when she's so young. Not like this.

I find my family waiting outside Bella's room. Embry, Quil and Wendy are in there with her. As soon as I reach them, everyone turns to face me expectantly.

"He said yes!" I shout. This is so great, we can be together forever.

Jake catches up with us and walks past, going into Bella's room. I'm caught up in the moment when suddenly I hear shouting. For a second I'm afraid something has happened to Bella.

"YOU DID WHAT!"

I rush into the room. Jacob is standing behind the door next to Quil while Embry is huddled over next to Wendy. Oh no, what did she do? Did she hurt Bella? I'm too busy worrying to pay attention to anyone's thoughts.

"You IMPRINTED!" Asks Jacob. Uh-oh. Suddenly I'm inside Embry's mind.

_I walk in the room, to say goodbye to Bella, to the living Bella. We didn't know her but she was Charlie's daughter, the chief's daughter. And he is greatly respected. As I enter the room I see a girl. This must be the one the Cullens warned us about, the one who has been helping Bella. The one who made her worse. She turns to look at me and suddenly a million strings are holding me in place, tying me to her, as if gravity itself has shifted. _

"It's not like it's something I can _control._" He yells back.

I turn to look at Wendy, who appears a little shocked by all this. I look inside her thoughts.

_Werewolves? Imprinting? What kind of crazy is this? Are these guys delusional, is that why they're here? The guy standing next to me with the black hair is very good looking. I would do anything to be with him. I turn to look at him, out of the corner of my eye and it's like all of my anxiety, everything that was worrying me and causing me to have trouble eating, is gone. How does he do that? How does he calm me down and wash away my fears? _

I'm torn between helping her and letting her sort herself out. On one hand I hate her for what she's done to Bella, even though I know this is probably where we'd have ended up anyway. On the other hand I feel like I have to help her, explain things.

"Wendy." I say. She turns away for Embry and looks at me. "This sounds crazy but Quil, Embry and Jacob are Werewolves."

She laughs at me.

"Jacob, do you mind phasing quickly, in the corner, I'm sure you won't hurt anyone." I ask.

Suddenly there's a giant, russet wolf standing in the corner of the hospital room. Almost instantly he phases back.

"See. Werewolf." Says Jake smugly.

_What...What's happening? Am I going crazy? No, he was definitely a wolf. Does that mean they all are? That cute boy...Embry?_

"Wendy. It's just the three of them." I say, reading her mind. "Embry has imprinted on you. It's a bit like having a mate."

She turns to stare at him. In the blink of an eye she has her arms wrapped around him.

"I'm never letting you go." She whispers.

It's weird seeing her like this, whenever I've met her before she's always been bitter and miserable, to me at least. Then again, Leah was completely bitter before Jacob. Every run in with the wolves and she was always the one to attack us verbally. I hear she's much better now, relatively speaking.

"Promise me you'll stop." He whispers back. She doesn't ask how he knows, but nods her head. I can't believe it could be that easy. I wish that the same could have happened for Bella. I wish that our love would have been enough.

For a minute I forgot everything. It's so heart-warming to see them happy together. To see someone's happiness. And then I remember Bella. She's dying. Quickly.

"**I, the hunger artist, rarely disappoint my audience." The Hunger Artist by Kafka.**

A/N: I don't go into a lot of description about her transformation...because it's boring.

**Edward POV**

I break away my gaze from Embry and Wendy. I walk over to the bed and take Bella's hand. It feels cold even against me skin. I turn to look at the heart monitor and I notice the blips on the machine becoming more erratic. Behind me there's a gasp and I know its Alice, I know what she's seeing without the ability to read minds.

"Carlisle!" I call out. He's at my side in a second, defibrillator paddles in his hands.

"Once I get her back, _if_ I get her back, you need to do it. Quickly."

He presses the paddles to her body and shocks her. Her whole body shakes. He looks back up at the monitor but there's still no heart beat.

He shocks her again. It's so painful to see her like this, so see her whole body crying out in pain. This moment, more than any other in my life, is the worst pain I've ever felt. More than the transformation. More than the pain of killing those people, losing my parents. More than anything.

Finally Carlisle succeeds in getting a heartbeat. I breath out a sigh of relief. She's alive. For now at least.

"Edward, you have to do it now, there's not much time."

I lean over here and slowly sink my teeth into her neck. At the same time Carlisle stabs a needle directly into her heart. I'm not sure what it is at first, and then I realise its venom. Her whole body writhes with pain.

Did I make the right decision? Will she even make it?

**Bella POV**

_Darkness...Everything is fuzzy...I can hear the beeping of machines...Where am I? Am I dead?_

Suddenly I feel a stabbing pain in my neck.

Burning pain rips through me, filling my veins. _Is this hell?_

***

Slowly the burning begins to fade. My mind feels clearer than it has in a long time. As if now, I can finally see things for the first time. I regret what I did. Hurting myself like that. It seems so silly now.

I open my eyes and see Edward watching me. How long has he been here? Did he stay all that time.

"Edward?" I call out.

Instantly he's at my side.

"Bella? Are you okay? Do you need anything?" He asks.

"Thirsty." I croak.

He hands me a cup. I take a sip. It doesn't taste like water.

"What is it?" I ask, confused.

"Blood." He replies. For a moment I'm shocked. Then I take another sip. It eases the burning in my throat.

"Thank-you." I whisper.

*******

**Edward POV**

Carlisle signs the death certificate, _Cause of death: Heart Failure due to Severe Anorexia._ This is it; we've signed away her mortal life, now only time will tell if any of our relationships can be restored.

I turn to Bella.

"Okay Bella, now lie very still while we sneak you out of the hospital." She giggles.

"Won't people wonder where my body went? She asks.

"Mysterious disappearance." I reply, smiling.

It's good to have her back. The old Bella back. It's good to see her happy. Carlisle was right. He's always right. She did heal, mentally and physically. She's still very thin, thinner than Alice, and I guess she always will be, but at least it looks a little less unnatural now, it doesn't look quite so severe. I guess it's the same as Esme. She was severely depressed before she jumped. And it fixed her.

As soon as we get Bella outside I lift off the sheet covering her and help her into our car.

"Where are we moving to?" She asks.

"Canada. Vancouver to be precise." I reply.

There's quiet in the car as she rests her head on my shoulder.

"I haven't felt happy in a long time, you know." She whispers quietly,

"I know." I reply. "And I know that's mostly my fault."

"No." She whispers. "Things weren't good in Phoenix. I thought here would be a fresh start, and for a while it was. But then...when you left. I couldn't cope." She buys her head in my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry I left you."

We pull up outside our house.

I help Bella out of the car and immediately Alice is there, hugging Bella.

"I'm so glad to have you back." She squeals.

"Alice, calm down." I tell her. She backs off and laughs.

"Alice, I'm so sorry for everything...for everything I said and did..." Says Bella.

"Oh Bella." Replies Alice. "It's okay, you weren't yourself."

She looks down, embarrassed.

We make our way into the house where almost everything is already in boxes. I'm going to miss it here, I really like Forks.

"**Courage is when you're afraid, but you keep on moving anyway." **

**Courage Is...: The Strange Familiar.**

I can't remember the last time I felt calm, reassured. The feel of his cold body against mine soothes me and washes away fear, any apprehension I still had. As he wraps his arms around me I rest my head, carefully, on his hard shoulder. I let my eyes fall shut. It will be good to finally get some rest from the nightmares. No more waking up in the middle of the night, afraid. No more waking up. Even though I can't sleep anymore I lie there with him and rest, it feels good not to be thrown into the world of nightmares.

I can see now that it was wrong to do what I did and that Edward and his family did love me. I glad no one the less because now me and Edward can be together, forever. And I'm not sure he would have turned me otherwise.

I turn around in his arms, letting the bed covers slide down slightly. As I straddle his legs, I lean in and kiss him fiercely on the lips.

"I love you Edward Cullen." I whisper.

He breaks away from me.

"Marry me." He says.

"What!" I ask, shocked.

"Marry me." He pushes me off and reaches over to the bedside cabinet, pulling open the drawer. He pulls out an old box and hands it to me. Tentatively I open it. Inside is the most beautiful ring I've even seen. "It was my mother's." He tells me.

I loop my arms around his neck and kiss him again.

"Yes." I whisper.

**A/N: First off: A lot of people might be ****disappointed I killed Bella****, but it just fit with the story, sorry. I know this isn't a happy ending she relapsed and died. Originally she lived, I wrote the ending with that in mind, but it didn't feel right.**

**Second, for anyone who wonder how ****Bella magically got better****, looks at Esme. The vampire transformation fixes all injuries and makes you 'healthy' and apparently ****cures mental illnesses**** as well (Esme was severely depressed and suicidal but didn't go to the Volturi after Carlisle transformed her.)**

**Thirdly, there will be ****no sequel**** or anything. I generally don't like sequels and I'm not sure where this would go anyway. I might right a ONE SHOT with Wendy but otherwise that's it. I am RE-WRITING scenes from Edward and other people's POV if anyone has any they particularly want to see.**

**And finally, statistics:**

**One in five people with an eating disorder die, without proper treatment anyway. 10% die anyway in ten years, 20% in twenty years. Only 60% or less of sufferers actually make a 'full recovery'. 40-60% of High-school-girls diet. 50% think they're overweight. 40% of 9 year old have dieted. EDs have a higher mortality rate than all other mental illnesses, including Bi-polar. About 80% of the patients with EDs are sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay. So basically, if you have an eating disorder and you don't stop, you will die.**


End file.
